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[airplane whirring]

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Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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- [Bill] When I was
little, we moved a lot.

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And I wasn't a jock, so
I guess to make friends,

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you became the funny guy.

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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[country rock music]

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- I think he's cute.

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- And he's funny.

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Fall-out-of-your-chair,
laughing, crying funny.

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- [Bill] Then I get to college

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and I listen to a couple
of Steve Martin records

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and thought, "Well,
that'd be a cool job."

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- He's real.
- Master of his craft.

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- I love him.
- Realistic.

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- I think he's hilarious.
- Down to earth.

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- You could relate to him.
- Therapy by laughter.

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- If you like comedy,

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it don't get no
better than this.

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- [Bill] People take
their hard-earned money,

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and they have plenty of choices.

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And they chose to
come see my show.

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That doesn't get lost on
me. That's a real honor.

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- It's like you're sitting in
the living room with a friend

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and just telling jokes.

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It's so comfortable
and so entertaining.

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- He's family-oriented,

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but at the same time,
he's still just as funny

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as any other comedian
I've ever seen.

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- [Announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen,

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please welcome to the stage

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Grammy-nominated and
platinum recording artist

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Mr. Bill Engvall!

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[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

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- [laughs] Wow.

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[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

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Thank you.

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Wow. Thank you very much.

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Thank you.

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It is wonderful to be
back here in Rockford.

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[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

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Thank you for being here.

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Normally when I do shows
like this, you know,

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I interview with the newspapers

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or the radio
stations or whatever.

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And they always ask
me the same question.

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They go, "Well, Bill,
is your family funny?"

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[audience laughing]

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I always say, "No.

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No, my family's crazy,

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and that makes me funny."

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And the Engvall clan
has had crazy covered

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for a number of decades.

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My grandparents,
when they were alive,

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God bless their hearts,

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my grandmother is
just crazy as a loon.

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Most wonderful woman you'll
ever meet in your life,

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but she just loved to talk.

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She talked to y'all,
that mic stand,

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the stool, these walls.

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And they all lived in
one little town in Texas.

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A little town called
Georgetown, Texas.

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And my parents lived there
and my sisters live there,

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and my grandparents lived
there when they was alive.

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And Gail, my wife, and I,
we both went to college

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in that little town.

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So when I was in
college, you know,

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I'd go over to grandma
and grandpa's house,

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because it was a free good meal.

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That was the one thing
I learned in college.

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[audience laughing]

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And I'd go over there,

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and it'd be the same
scenario every day.

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There'd be my granddad,
sitting in his favorite chair

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with the newspaper up.

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My grandmother'd just be walking
through the house, talking.

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And I'd egg it on.

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You know, I'd say, "Well, how
you doing today, grandma?"

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She goes, "Well, Billy, I'm
doing all right, I guess.

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They're not shoveling
dirt on top of me."

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[audience laughing]

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I guess that's a good day.

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I said, "What did you do today?"

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She goes, "Well, Bill, I went
to the beauty shop today."

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I said, "Oh, really."

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She goes, "Oh, yes.

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And I saw Betsy there.

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And Betsy was getting
herself a bouffant hairdo.

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Now, Bill, I don't know why
she'd get a bouffant hairdo,

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'cause she's got a fat face.

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[audience laughing]

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Well, yeah, you'd think
a woman with a fat face

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would want that hair hanging
all down in front of her face.

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But, no, she pulls it
all on top of her head.

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So now she's got a
big, fat bun of hair

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with those big, fat cheeks.

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I think she's lost her mind.

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[audience laughing]

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Oh, and did I tell you
this? They bought a new car.

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She wanted a Chevy, but
they talked her into a Ford.

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She wanted a black Chevy,
but the dealer man said,

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Oh, ma'am, black shows
up dirt too much.

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You need a brown car.

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So now, instead of a
pretty black Chevy,

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she's got an ugly brown Ford

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with that fat-face
bouffant hairdo.

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I think she's lost her mind."

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[audience laughing]

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And my granddad would
just go, "Mm-hm."

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[audience laughing]

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I'll tell you a
story about them.

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When they were getting
ready to celebrate

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their 50th wedding anniversary,

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my grandmother said
to my granddad,

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she said, "Ray, I want
you to go to Macy's

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and get yourself a suit,

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because it's a big anniversary
and I want you dressed up."

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And my granddad was like, "I
ain't wearing no damn suit.

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I never wore one, ain't
gonna wear one now."

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Because you got to know
who my granddad was.

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It was boots, overalls
and no shirt, all right?

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Yeah, and that was church.

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[audience laughing]

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Yeah. [laughs]

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But, you know, grandma
ruled the house,

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so she got him to go get a suit

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and they had their anniversary.

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Well, everything was great.

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Well, unfortunately,
about nine months later

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granddaddy passed away.

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And we were sitting
at the funeral home,

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me and my grandmother.

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And the funeral director
said to my grandmother,

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she said, "Ma'am, what would
you like Ray buried in?"

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And my grandmother
looked at me and said,

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"Well, we bought him that suit.

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I guess we'll just
bury him in that."

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And I remember thinking,

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this poor man can't
catch a break dead.

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[audience laughing]

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So we buried granddaddy,
and after the funeral

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I was having coffee
with my grandmother.

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And I said, "Now
grandma, listen to me."

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I said, "People are gonna
start calling the house now,

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and they're gonna
ask for granddaddy.

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But they don't really want him."

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I said, "They just want
to make sure he's gone,

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and they're gonna try and
sell you some kind of scam

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to get in your stocks
or your savings."

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I said, "So do me a favor.

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When they call, you just
tell them that granddaddy's

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in the garden or
he's gone into town,

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or he'll be back later

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and they can call back
and talk to him then."

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And I said, "Trust me,
they won't call back."

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Well, I went on home.

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About a year later, I was back
in town visiting my parents.

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I stopped by to see grandma.

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And we were sitting
there having coffee.

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And she said, "Well,
honey, you were right."

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And I said, "About what?"

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She said, "Those folks
call all the time."

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I said, "I told you they would."

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She said, "This one fella,

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he called once a
week for six weeks."

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I said, "Well,
what did he want?"

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And she goes, "Well, that's
what I wanted to know."

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She said, "So the
next time he called,

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I said, 'Young man, you
have called this house

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once a week for six weeks.

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Can I ask what this is about?'

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And he said, 'Oh, yes, ma'am.'

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He said, 'I'm sorry.'

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He said, 'I'm from Macy's,

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and I was just calling to see
how Ray's enjoying his suit.'"

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[audience laughing]

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And I started laughing.

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And I said, "What did
you say, grandma?"

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And she goes, "Well, I
didn't want to lie to him,

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'cause the Lord
don't like liars.

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So I just said,
'Well, young man,

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we can't get it off him.'"

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[audience laughing]
[Bill laughing]

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And she wasn't lying.

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And I'll tell you what
my dad told me on them.

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As they got older, you
know, grandma and grandpa,

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they couldn't get out
of the house much.

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So Dad put them on this
group called Meals on Wheels,

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which is a wonderful
organization

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that serves meals
to senior citizens

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and the homebound.

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Well, as grandma got older,

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she started visiting
people on other planets

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we didn't know existed.

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And one day their Meals on
Wheels lunches was late.

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And my grandmother got so mad,

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she called 911 to complain.

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Wouldn't you have loved

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to have heard that
phone conversation?

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"911, what's your emergency?"

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"Well, we're about to
damn starve to death,

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that's what the
damn emergency is."

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[audience laughing]

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"Ma'am, is there
anybody dead there?"

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"There's gonna be
two dead people

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if we don't get some
sandwiches real quick."

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Well, my father
told me this story.

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Well, y'all, I'm a comedian.

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You cannot hand me a
loaded gun like that

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and not think it's not
gonna go off at some point.

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Well, my grandparents passed
away about 15 years ago.

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Well, one morning a
couple of years back,

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I got up and I called my house.

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Remember, that's one
little small town in Texas.

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And my mom answered the phone.

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And she goes, "Hello?"

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And I said, "Mrs. Engvall?"

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She said, "Yes?"

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00:07:41,012 --> 00:07:42,427
I said, "This is
Sergeant Johnson

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00:07:42,427 --> 00:07:44,222
with the Georgetown
Police Department."

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She said, "Oh, my God,
is everything all right?"

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And I said, "Oh, yes,
ma'am. I'm sorry.

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Everything is fine."

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I said, "Listen, we're
just clearing out our books

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for the end of the year,

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and we noticed that we had to
send our emergency vehicles

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out to your mother-in-law's
house 'cause she called 911

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00:07:55,682 --> 00:07:58,201
about their Meals on
Wheels lunches being late."

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And my mother goes,

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"You need to speak
to my husband."

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00:08:01,032 --> 00:08:03,586
[audience laughing]

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I mean, she threw him
right under the bus.

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There was no, "We're
sorry, we'll make it okay."

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It's his mama, deal with him.

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00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:17,497
[audience laughing]

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00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:18,981
And I said, "Well, is he home?"

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And she said, "Well,
yes, officer, he is.

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But he's in the shower."

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00:08:22,156 --> 00:08:23,813
And I said, "Well, ma'am,
if you could get him,

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00:08:23,813 --> 00:08:25,056
that'd be great."

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00:08:25,056 --> 00:08:27,127
[audience laughing]

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00:08:27,127 --> 00:08:28,508
And she goes,

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"Well, all right."

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And she sets the phone down.

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00:08:32,408 --> 00:08:33,651
Well, you know when
folks set the phone down,

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00:08:33,651 --> 00:08:35,480
you can still hear
the conversation?

247
00:08:36,654 --> 00:08:39,173
And I hear my mother go,
"Bill, it's the police.

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00:08:39,173 --> 00:08:41,555
They want to talk to
you about your mother."

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00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:43,764
And I hear my father
yell from the shower,

250
00:08:43,764 --> 00:08:45,317
"My mother's dead."

251
00:08:45,317 --> 00:08:48,320
[audience laughing]

252
00:08:49,770 --> 00:08:52,497
And my sweet little mother,
who never raised her voice,

253
00:08:52,497 --> 00:08:54,464
went, "I know that.
Get on the phone!"

254
00:08:56,605 --> 00:08:58,779
Well, now I'm about
to wet my pants

255
00:09:00,712 --> 00:09:03,508
because I have a
visual of my father

256
00:09:05,199 --> 00:09:07,477
dripping wet, holding
the towel, going,

257
00:09:07,477 --> 00:09:08,824
"Why are the damn
police calling my house

258
00:09:08,824 --> 00:09:10,032
on Saturday morning about,

259
00:09:10,032 --> 00:09:11,723
my mother's been
dead for 15 years!"

260
00:09:14,001 --> 00:09:16,107
But, my friends, he
got on that phone

261
00:09:16,107 --> 00:09:17,660
and he was nice as pie.

262
00:09:17,660 --> 00:09:19,559
[audience laughing]

263
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:20,801
He goes, "Hello?"

264
00:09:22,009 --> 00:09:24,529
And I'm trying to
keep it together.

265
00:09:24,529 --> 00:09:25,841
And I said, "Mr. Engvall?"

266
00:09:25,841 --> 00:09:26,980
He said, "Yes?"

267
00:09:26,980 --> 00:09:29,120
I said, "This is
Sergeant Johnson

268
00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:30,431
with the Georgetown
Police Department."

269
00:09:30,431 --> 00:09:31,916
He goes, "Well, how are
you today, officer?"

270
00:09:31,916 --> 00:09:34,539
[Bill laughing]
[audience laughing]

271
00:09:34,539 --> 00:09:37,231
I said, "Well, I'm doing
fine. Thank you for asking."

272
00:09:37,231 --> 00:09:38,681
He said, "What can
I do for you today?"

273
00:09:38,681 --> 00:09:40,165
I said, "Well, sir, I hate
to bother you and your family

274
00:09:40,165 --> 00:09:41,753
on this beautiful Saturday."

275
00:09:41,753 --> 00:09:43,237
I said, "But we're just
clearing out our books

276
00:09:43,237 --> 00:09:44,514
for the end of the year,

277
00:09:44,514 --> 00:09:45,964
and we noticed we had to
send emergency vehicles

278
00:09:45,964 --> 00:09:47,517
out to your mother's house
'cause she called 911

279
00:09:47,517 --> 00:09:49,899
about their Meals on
Wheels lunches being late."

280
00:09:49,899 --> 00:09:52,315
And he goes, "Officer,
that woman was crazy."

281
00:09:52,315 --> 00:09:54,732
[audience laughing]

282
00:09:54,732 --> 00:09:56,803
This is his mom
he's talking about.

283
00:09:58,390 --> 00:09:59,909
And I said, "Well,
sir, that may well be,

284
00:09:59,909 --> 00:10:01,497
but that's not our department."

285
00:10:03,188 --> 00:10:04,569
I said, "Listen, we
just got the issue

286
00:10:04,569 --> 00:10:05,605
of a little bit of fine,

287
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:07,020
and we'll get out of your hair."

288
00:10:07,020 --> 00:10:08,538
He said, "Well,
what's the fine for?"

289
00:10:08,538 --> 00:10:10,230
And I said, "Well, sir, we
had to send a fire truck

290
00:10:10,230 --> 00:10:11,438
and an ambulance out there

291
00:10:11,438 --> 00:10:12,439
'cause we thought
something was wrong."

292
00:10:12,439 --> 00:10:14,130
He said, "Oh, yeah, I get that."

293
00:10:14,130 --> 00:10:15,442
He said, "How much is the fine?"

294
00:10:15,442 --> 00:10:16,995
I said, "Well, that depends."

295
00:10:16,995 --> 00:10:18,307
He said, "On what?"

296
00:10:18,307 --> 00:10:20,689
And I said, "Sir,
do you remember

297
00:10:20,689 --> 00:10:22,414
what they had for
lunch that day?"

298
00:10:22,414 --> 00:10:24,347
[audience laughing]

299
00:10:24,347 --> 00:10:25,452
And there was a pause.

300
00:10:26,867 --> 00:10:28,144
So I figure he's onto me.

301
00:10:28,144 --> 00:10:30,560
You know, he's gonna
go, "Bill, shut up."

302
00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:32,079
And he goes, "I'm sorry?"

303
00:10:32,079 --> 00:10:35,324
And I said, "Well, whatever
they had for lunch that day

304
00:10:35,324 --> 00:10:38,016
will determine on how big
or little the fine is."

305
00:10:38,016 --> 00:10:40,156
And he said, "Well, I've
never heard of that."

306
00:10:40,156 --> 00:10:43,435
And I said, "Well, it's
something new we're trying."

307
00:10:43,435 --> 00:10:46,404
[audience laughing]

308
00:10:50,373 --> 00:10:51,616
He said, "Well, how's it work?"

309
00:10:51,616 --> 00:10:53,653
And I said, "Well,
funny you should ask."

310
00:10:54,861 --> 00:10:56,103
I said, "All right, sir.

311
00:10:56,103 --> 00:10:57,898
Let's say they had a
bowl of soup for lunch.

312
00:10:57,898 --> 00:11:00,383
Well, that fine's
only, like, $10.

313
00:11:00,383 --> 00:11:02,144
But if they had, like,
a meat loaf sandwich,

314
00:11:02,144 --> 00:11:03,904
sir, you ever done this?

315
00:11:03,904 --> 00:11:06,113
Your wife cooks you a meat
loaf on a Monday night.

316
00:11:06,113 --> 00:11:07,390
Well, then that next day

317
00:11:07,390 --> 00:11:08,909
you cut you a cold
slab of meat loaf

318
00:11:08,909 --> 00:11:10,704
with mustard, mayonnaise,
pickles, lettuce, onions."

319
00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:12,810
He goes, "Oh, I love
them sandwiches."

320
00:11:12,810 --> 00:11:14,674
[audience laughing]

321
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:15,916
I said, "Well, that's gonna
be a little more money.

322
00:11:15,916 --> 00:11:17,124
Can you understand that?"

323
00:11:17,124 --> 00:11:18,401
And he goes, "Yeah,
yeah, that makes sense."

324
00:11:18,401 --> 00:11:20,680
[audience laughing]

325
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:21,542
Really?

326
00:11:24,269 --> 00:11:26,686
And this is an educated man.

327
00:11:27,825 --> 00:11:31,138
He's not some rube
from the sticks.

328
00:11:31,138 --> 00:11:32,381
So I said, "So if
you could think

329
00:11:32,381 --> 00:11:33,589
what they had for
lunch that day,

330
00:11:33,589 --> 00:11:34,797
we'll get this whole
mess cleared up

331
00:11:34,797 --> 00:11:36,316
and you can go on
with your weekend."

332
00:11:36,316 --> 00:11:38,145
He goes, "Boy, I'm just
trying to think, officer."

333
00:11:38,145 --> 00:11:39,388
He goes, "I don't remember

334
00:11:39,388 --> 00:11:40,561
what they had for
lunch that day."

335
00:11:40,561 --> 00:11:41,804
And I said, "Well,
maybe your wife knows."

336
00:11:41,804 --> 00:11:43,530
And he goes, "Hey, good idea."

337
00:11:43,530 --> 00:11:45,774
[audience laughing]

338
00:11:45,774 --> 00:11:48,190
He goes, "Hey, Mary? What'd
they have for lunch that day?"

339
00:11:48,190 --> 00:11:49,329
And she goes,
"Hell, I don't know.

340
00:11:49,329 --> 00:11:50,813
That was 15 years ago."

341
00:11:52,470 --> 00:11:53,782
He said, "Officer,
we can't remember

342
00:11:53,782 --> 00:11:54,748
what they had for
lunch that day.

343
00:11:54,748 --> 00:11:56,301
That was just too far back."

344
00:11:56,301 --> 00:11:58,027
I said, "Boy, we really want
to get this cleared up, sir."

345
00:11:58,027 --> 00:11:59,857
I said, "Just think really hard.

346
00:11:59,857 --> 00:12:01,099
I mean, did they have a salad?

347
00:12:01,099 --> 00:12:03,515
Because, well, then
that's only, like, $15.

348
00:12:03,515 --> 00:12:05,000
But if they had, like,
a turkey sandwich,

349
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:06,726
now sir, you ever done this?

350
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,728
[audience laughing]

351
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:10,730
Your wife cooks you
Thanksgiving dinner;

352
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,697
well, then that next day
you take some of that turkey

353
00:12:12,697 --> 00:12:14,803
with some dressing
and cranberry sauce."

354
00:12:14,803 --> 00:12:17,909
He goes, "Oh, hell, that's
my favorite sandwich of all."

355
00:12:17,909 --> 00:12:19,773
I said, "Well, that's gonna be
a hell of a lot more money."

356
00:12:19,773 --> 00:12:21,119
He goes, "I bet it is."

357
00:12:21,119 --> 00:12:23,087
[audience laughing]

358
00:12:23,087 --> 00:12:26,193
And I'm not even
disguising my voice.

359
00:12:27,850 --> 00:12:30,957
This is his only
son speaking to him.

360
00:12:32,890 --> 00:12:35,168
So I said, "So, sir,
think really hard.

361
00:12:35,168 --> 00:12:37,066
What was it they had
for lunch that day,

362
00:12:37,066 --> 00:12:38,412
and we'll get this
whole thing cleared up,

363
00:12:38,412 --> 00:12:39,862
and you can go on
with your weekend."

364
00:12:39,862 --> 00:12:41,864
He goes, "Officer, I'm
gonna tell you right now."

365
00:12:41,864 --> 00:12:43,348
He goes, "I can't remember what
they had for lunch that day.

366
00:12:43,348 --> 00:12:44,487
That's just too far back."

367
00:12:44,487 --> 00:12:46,041
He goes, "Let me do this.

368
00:12:46,041 --> 00:12:48,698
He said, "Why don't I pay the
larger of the amounts of fine,

369
00:12:48,698 --> 00:12:50,010
and that'll cover everything."

370
00:12:50,010 --> 00:12:51,874
And I said, "Sir, I wish we had

371
00:12:51,874 --> 00:12:53,531
more folks like
you in the world.

372
00:12:55,119 --> 00:12:57,500
But you can see how that'd
screw up our books, right?"

373
00:12:57,500 --> 00:12:58,985
And he goes, "Oh, hell, yeah.

374
00:12:58,985 --> 00:13:01,297
I guess it would,
wouldn't it? Yeah."

375
00:13:01,297 --> 00:13:03,506
I finally went, "Dad, it's me."

376
00:13:03,506 --> 00:13:04,956
And he went, "Go to hell!"

377
00:13:04,956 --> 00:13:09,961
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

378
00:13:19,005 --> 00:13:22,146
And that's what scares
me about getting older.

379
00:13:22,146 --> 00:13:23,630
You start having those thoughts,

380
00:13:23,630 --> 00:13:25,874
and you think they're normal.

381
00:13:25,874 --> 00:13:27,634
And that's why I
try to do things,

382
00:13:27,634 --> 00:13:29,429
to keep my brain at
least feeling young.

383
00:13:29,429 --> 00:13:32,570
And that's why I did that
stupid "Dancing with the Stars."

384
00:13:32,570 --> 00:13:37,575
[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

385
00:13:38,162 --> 00:13:38,541
Thank you.

386
00:13:41,855 --> 00:13:43,546
So I go on the show,

387
00:13:43,546 --> 00:13:45,376
and I meet my
little partner Emma.

388
00:13:45,376 --> 00:13:47,827
Emma Slater. Just this
wonderful little British girl.

389
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:50,622
She's 24 years old.
Yeah, just a love.

390
00:13:50,622 --> 00:13:51,451
She's a doll.

391
00:13:53,177 --> 00:13:56,283
But just British
as she could be.

392
00:13:56,283 --> 00:13:57,698
I mean, to the point
that sometimes,

393
00:13:57,698 --> 00:13:59,942
she didn't understand
our English.

394
00:13:59,942 --> 00:14:01,116
Like, every week we
would do this thing

395
00:14:01,116 --> 00:14:02,634
called the song reveal.

396
00:14:02,634 --> 00:14:04,291
And that's where she'd tell
me what dance we were gonna do

397
00:14:04,291 --> 00:14:05,879
and what song we're
gonna dance to.

398
00:14:05,879 --> 00:14:07,639
And one week she goes,
"All right, Bill."

399
00:14:07,639 --> 00:14:09,503
She goes, "This week, we're
gonna dance the tango,

400
00:14:09,503 --> 00:14:10,850
and we're dancing to,

401
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:12,748
'Beef, Burgers and
Paradise' by Jimmy "Buffet."

402
00:14:12,748 --> 00:14:15,855
[audience laughing]

403
00:14:24,001 --> 00:14:25,588
Damn, that sounds familiar.

404
00:14:25,588 --> 00:14:28,281
[audience laughing]

405
00:14:28,281 --> 00:14:31,146
I said, "Emma, do you mean
'Cheeseburgers in Paradise'

406
00:14:31,146 --> 00:14:33,251
by Jimmy Buffett?"

407
00:14:33,251 --> 00:14:36,185
And she goes, "Well, why
would they call it buffett?"

408
00:14:37,117 --> 00:14:38,325
I said, "What?"

409
00:14:38,325 --> 00:14:39,775
And she goes, "Well,
when you go out to eat,

410
00:14:39,775 --> 00:14:42,882
you don't go to a buffett,
you go to a buffet."

411
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:44,642
And I said, "Well,
sweetheart, that's food.

412
00:14:44,642 --> 00:14:46,092
This is a human being."

413
00:14:48,542 --> 00:14:50,199
So we start our rehearsals.

414
00:14:50,199 --> 00:14:51,891
Well, the way the show works,

415
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:53,271
for those of you who
haven't watched it,

416
00:14:53,271 --> 00:14:54,721
the first week,
everybody gets a by.

417
00:14:54,721 --> 00:14:56,205
Everybody's safe.

418
00:14:56,205 --> 00:14:58,414
Well, after the first week,
my son called me from college

419
00:14:58,414 --> 00:15:01,038
and said, "Well, just
wanted to say thanks."

420
00:15:01,038 --> 00:15:04,041
[audience laughing]

421
00:15:05,214 --> 00:15:06,698
I said, "What are
you talking about?"

422
00:15:06,698 --> 00:15:07,907
He goes, "Well, you almost
got your butt kicked."

423
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:09,874
[audience laughing]

424
00:15:09,874 --> 00:15:11,082
I said, "How do you figure?"

425
00:15:11,082 --> 00:15:12,463
Well, he works at a
little pizza joint

426
00:15:12,463 --> 00:15:14,016
where he goes to college.

427
00:15:14,016 --> 00:15:16,674
Well, "Dancing with the
Stars" is on Monday nights.

428
00:15:16,674 --> 00:15:19,919
Well, what else is on
Monday night in the fall?

429
00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:21,368
Football.

430
00:15:21,368 --> 00:15:23,612
He said there was 30 frat guys,
and they were drinking beer

431
00:15:23,612 --> 00:15:25,407
like it's their
last day on earth.

432
00:15:25,407 --> 00:15:28,203
He's got "Dancing with the
Stars" on the big screen TVs.

433
00:15:30,757 --> 00:15:32,241
And one of the frat guys goes,

434
00:15:32,241 --> 00:15:34,002
"Hey, man, can you turn that
mess off and put on football?"

435
00:15:34,002 --> 00:15:35,762
And he said, "Before
I could stop my mouth,

436
00:15:35,762 --> 00:15:38,489
the words shot out, 'Not
till my dad's done dancing.'"

437
00:15:38,489 --> 00:15:41,664
[audience applauding]

438
00:15:48,257 --> 00:15:49,983
Yeah, sorry about that one, boy.

439
00:15:52,227 --> 00:15:54,056
Well, then the next week,
Bill Nye the Science Guy

440
00:15:54,056 --> 00:15:55,402
was on our show, and
he hurt his knee,

441
00:15:55,402 --> 00:15:56,921
and he got eliminated.

442
00:15:56,921 --> 00:15:58,164
So I've been on two weeks
and I'm thinking, great.

443
00:15:58,164 --> 00:15:59,613
I've been on as long
as I thought I'd be on.

444
00:15:59,613 --> 00:16:01,477
This is great. You
can kick me off now.

445
00:16:01,477 --> 00:16:03,376
Deer season starts
in three weeks.

446
00:16:04,515 --> 00:16:06,689
I'll be there for opening day.

447
00:16:06,689 --> 00:16:09,347
Well, y'all kept voting.

448
00:16:09,347 --> 00:16:14,352
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]

449
00:16:15,871 --> 00:16:17,735
And at first I was mad at you.

450
00:16:19,357 --> 00:16:20,910
But then I started enjoying it,

451
00:16:20,910 --> 00:16:22,843
because if you go back
and watch the shows,

452
00:16:22,843 --> 00:16:25,536
every time they told me
and Emma we were safe,

453
00:16:25,536 --> 00:16:26,847
they would cut to the judges,

454
00:16:26,847 --> 00:16:28,056
and they all had this
look on their face like,

455
00:16:28,056 --> 00:16:32,405
"How is he still here?"
[audience laughing]

456
00:16:34,614 --> 00:16:38,549
By week five, I was begging
to be off that show.

457
00:16:38,549 --> 00:16:39,757
I was literally like,

458
00:16:39,757 --> 00:16:40,965
you ever watch
those animal shows

459
00:16:40,965 --> 00:16:42,518
on the National
Geographic channel?

460
00:16:42,518 --> 00:16:45,245
And I was that wounded gazelle
at the back of the herd

461
00:16:45,245 --> 00:16:47,316
that was just kind
of limping along.

462
00:16:47,316 --> 00:16:49,663
And you're like, "Oh, God,
the cheetah's gonna get him.

463
00:16:49,663 --> 00:16:50,906
He's gonna get him!"

464
00:16:50,906 --> 00:16:52,908
And I'd fall, and
the cheetah'd run by.

465
00:16:52,908 --> 00:16:55,014
Damn it, where'd
he go? You know.

466
00:16:58,776 --> 00:17:01,158
And at one point,
the ABC executives

467
00:17:01,158 --> 00:17:02,400
came to me and they said,

468
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:04,126
"Bill, don't take
this the wrong way,

469
00:17:04,126 --> 00:17:06,542
but we didn't know you
had this many fans."

470
00:17:06,542 --> 00:17:11,547
[audience applauding]
[audience cheering]

471
00:17:18,796 --> 00:17:20,039
To which I replied,

472
00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:21,592
"Well, apparently
you've never dealt

473
00:17:21,592 --> 00:17:23,559
with rednecks because..."

474
00:17:23,559 --> 00:17:28,254
[audience applauding]
[audience cheering]

475
00:17:28,254 --> 00:17:30,739
Well, the first big
elimination came with,

476
00:17:30,739 --> 00:17:32,637
I believe her name
was Christina Milian.

477
00:17:32,637 --> 00:17:34,570
And she and her partner
Mark had just gotten

478
00:17:34,570 --> 00:17:36,089
the first 10 of the season.

479
00:17:36,089 --> 00:17:37,642
And that dance, we had
to do this little dance

480
00:17:37,642 --> 00:17:38,919
called the quickstep.

481
00:17:38,919 --> 00:17:41,922
And the quickstep sucks.

482
00:17:41,922 --> 00:17:43,545
[audience laughing]

483
00:17:43,545 --> 00:17:46,410
Basically, no, I ain't
doing it no more.

484
00:17:46,410 --> 00:17:48,826
The quickstep is if I said
run from here to the airport

485
00:17:48,826 --> 00:17:50,379
as fast as you can,

486
00:17:50,379 --> 00:17:51,898
and while you're running,
do some dance steps

487
00:17:51,898 --> 00:17:53,831
and we'll judge you on it.

488
00:17:53,831 --> 00:17:55,660
Well, me and Emma
got, like, three 7s.

489
00:17:55,660 --> 00:17:57,214
Well, the way the show works:
at the end of the show,

490
00:17:57,214 --> 00:17:58,491
all 12 couples are on the floor,

491
00:17:58,491 --> 00:17:59,733
and they tell each one
of them they're safe

492
00:17:59,733 --> 00:18:00,803
till there's two couples left.

493
00:18:00,803 --> 00:18:02,081
One's staying, one's going.

494
00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:04,462
Out of the 13 weeks
I was on that show,

495
00:18:04,462 --> 00:18:07,189
me and Emma were the
last two couples 11.

496
00:18:08,639 --> 00:18:10,434
And one of those was a by.

497
00:18:12,021 --> 00:18:14,645
So we're standing there,
and it's so melodramatic.

498
00:18:14,645 --> 00:18:16,440
You know, they
go, the lights go,

499
00:18:17,648 --> 00:18:20,375
and the music goes
"Duh-duh-duh-duh."

500
00:18:20,375 --> 00:18:22,687
And the announcer goes, "Bill
and Emma, you got three 7s.

501
00:18:22,687 --> 00:18:23,999
Did your fans vote
enough to keep you on?"

502
00:18:23,999 --> 00:18:24,896
Duh-duh-duh-duh.

503
00:18:26,829 --> 00:18:28,969
"Christina and Mark, you got
the first 10 of the season.

504
00:18:28,969 --> 00:18:30,695
Did your vans vote
enough to keep you on?"

505
00:18:30,695 --> 00:18:32,628
I'm thinking,
"Great, we're done."

506
00:18:32,628 --> 00:18:34,113
The announcer goes,
"Bill and Emma,

507
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:35,390
you're safe."

508
00:18:35,390 --> 00:18:38,393
[audience laughing]

509
00:18:43,501 --> 00:18:44,606
What?

510
00:18:44,606 --> 00:18:47,643
[audience laughing]

511
00:18:47,643 --> 00:18:50,405
So we move on, and
we kept moving on.

512
00:18:50,405 --> 00:18:53,097
Well, then the next one
was Sasha and Snooki.

513
00:18:53,097 --> 00:18:55,203
And in real life at that time,

514
00:18:55,203 --> 00:18:57,826
Sasha was my partner
Emma's boyfriend.

515
00:18:57,826 --> 00:18:59,586
And so that week we
had to do this dance

516
00:18:59,586 --> 00:19:01,692
called the jive. [laughs]

517
00:19:01,692 --> 00:19:03,314
[audience laughing]

518
00:19:03,314 --> 00:19:04,522
I don't jive.

519
00:19:04,522 --> 00:19:05,937
[audience laughing]

520
00:19:05,937 --> 00:19:08,077
And I think we got,
like, three 6s.

521
00:19:08,077 --> 00:19:10,563
But Sasha and Snooki got,
like, two 9s and an 8.

522
00:19:10,563 --> 00:19:12,151
So I thought,
"Awesome, we're done."

523
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:13,600
So we're standing there
at the end of the show,

524
00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:15,602
and Tom Bergeron, the
host, walks in between us.

525
00:19:15,602 --> 00:19:17,708
And he goes, "Well, Bill,
I usually read the prompter

526
00:19:17,708 --> 00:19:19,192
at this point in the
show, but you've done TV.

527
00:19:19,192 --> 00:19:20,055
Why don't you read it?"

528
00:19:20,055 --> 00:19:21,574
And I said, "Whatever."

529
00:19:21,574 --> 00:19:23,265
And I look in the camera,
and they start rolling it up.

530
00:19:23,265 --> 00:19:24,956
And I go, "Bill and
Emma, you're safe."

531
00:19:24,956 --> 00:19:29,168
Oh, my God!
[audience laughing]

532
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:30,376
Are you kidding me?

533
00:19:32,516 --> 00:19:36,899
Can we recount? Because I
don't think that's right.

534
00:19:36,899 --> 00:19:38,591
It was so off the charts.

535
00:19:38,591 --> 00:19:40,213
I looked at my wife in
the audience and I said,

536
00:19:40,213 --> 00:19:42,422
"This is wrong."
[audience laughing]

537
00:19:42,422 --> 00:19:46,012
I go, "I should be eliminated,
deer season's coming up."

538
00:19:46,012 --> 00:19:47,186
[audience laughing]

539
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:48,428
And she's looking at
me with this look like,

540
00:19:48,428 --> 00:19:51,190
"Don't be an idiot.
Just stand there."

541
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:53,813
Oh, are you kidding
me? She's digging this.

542
00:19:53,813 --> 00:19:56,436
Oh, every Monday
she gets a new dress

543
00:19:56,436 --> 00:19:59,025
and she's on TV.

544
00:19:59,025 --> 00:20:01,165
She don't want me
bailing on this.

545
00:20:01,165 --> 00:20:03,409
[audience laughing]

546
00:20:03,409 --> 00:20:07,102
But I felt so bad for Snooki
that I literally started

547
00:20:07,102 --> 00:20:08,655
to take two steps towards
Tom Bergeron and say,

548
00:20:08,655 --> 00:20:11,037
"Look, eliminate
me. Let her go on."

549
00:20:11,037 --> 00:20:12,245
And as he's interviewing Snooki,

550
00:20:12,245 --> 00:20:13,764
he looks at me and he goes...

551
00:20:13,764 --> 00:20:16,284
[audience laughing]

552
00:20:16,284 --> 00:20:17,492
I said, "But this is wrong."

553
00:20:17,492 --> 00:20:18,734
And all of a sudden
I feel somebody

554
00:20:18,734 --> 00:20:20,598
grabbing my shirt
and pulling me back.

555
00:20:20,598 --> 00:20:22,393
And it's Val, the Russian guy.

556
00:20:22,393 --> 00:20:24,223
And he goes, "Bill, this
is about your journey.

557
00:20:24,223 --> 00:20:25,051
Don't interrupt it."

558
00:20:25,051 --> 00:20:26,846
[audience laughing]

559
00:20:26,846 --> 00:20:27,674
What?

560
00:20:31,713 --> 00:20:34,336
Well, Snooki's crying 'cause
she just got eliminated.

561
00:20:34,336 --> 00:20:36,683
Emma's crying 'cause her
boyfriend just got eliminated.

562
00:20:36,683 --> 00:20:38,961
I'm crying 'cause I'm
missing deer season.

563
00:20:38,961 --> 00:20:41,550
[audience laughing]

564
00:20:41,550 --> 00:20:43,552
And we kept going on.

565
00:20:43,552 --> 00:20:46,245
Well, now we're a week
away from the finals,

566
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:48,005
and we had to learn
two dances in one week.

567
00:20:48,005 --> 00:20:49,282
We had to learn the cha-cha

568
00:20:49,282 --> 00:20:50,870
and we had to learn
the Argentine tango.

569
00:20:50,870 --> 00:20:52,734
So Emma and I are in the
dance rehearsal hall,

570
00:20:52,734 --> 00:20:54,425
and we're rehearsing
the cha-cha.

571
00:20:54,425 --> 00:20:56,047
And of a sudden Emma goes,

572
00:20:56,047 --> 00:20:58,774
"Bill, can you do a cartwheel?"

573
00:20:58,774 --> 00:21:01,674
[audience laughing]

574
00:21:03,434 --> 00:21:04,987
I said, "Emma, I'm 58.

575
00:21:06,437 --> 00:21:08,232
Yes, I can do a cartwheel."

576
00:21:08,232 --> 00:21:13,237
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]

577
00:21:15,204 --> 00:21:16,689
And I did one.

578
00:21:16,689 --> 00:21:18,242
And she goes, "Oh, my
God, this is brilliant.

579
00:21:18,242 --> 00:21:19,726
Bill, they'll love
this. We'll do the move.

580
00:21:19,726 --> 00:21:21,038
We'll cha-cha in front of
them. You do the cartwheel.

581
00:21:21,038 --> 00:21:22,246
They'll eat it up."

582
00:21:22,246 --> 00:21:24,283
And I'm doing it. I'm
doing a cartwheel.

583
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:26,215
And I'm getting, I'm
really good at it.

584
00:21:26,215 --> 00:21:28,217
Then all of a sudden my brain
and my mouth got together

585
00:21:28,217 --> 00:21:33,222
and went, "Hey, hey, Emma, what
if, instead of a cartwheel,

586
00:21:34,327 --> 00:21:37,503
what if I did a roundoff
with a half twist?"

587
00:21:39,228 --> 00:21:41,610
And she goes, "Can you do one?"

588
00:21:41,610 --> 00:21:43,336
And I said, "Yes."

589
00:21:44,510 --> 00:21:46,788
And my brain went, "No!"

590
00:21:48,065 --> 00:21:49,135
But I did it.

591
00:21:49,135 --> 00:21:50,688
And then she goes, "Oh, my God!"

592
00:21:50,688 --> 00:21:52,311
I don't even know where I
learned this stupid move.

593
00:21:52,311 --> 00:21:53,760
But I did it, and she goes,
"They're gonna love this."

594
00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:55,244
So we're rehearsing this,

595
00:21:55,244 --> 00:21:57,108
and I'm doing the roundoff
with the half twist.

596
00:21:57,108 --> 00:21:57,971
What's going on?

597
00:21:59,179 --> 00:22:00,388
Well, she goes, "Let's
do it one more time,

598
00:22:00,388 --> 00:22:01,768
then we'll go on to
the Argentine tango."

599
00:22:01,768 --> 00:22:03,011
So we get to that move.

600
00:22:03,011 --> 00:22:04,323
I do the roundoff
with the half twist.

601
00:22:04,323 --> 00:22:05,565
But this time when I land it,

602
00:22:05,565 --> 00:22:07,015
instead of landing
with my knees bent,

603
00:22:07,015 --> 00:22:08,775
I landed with my knees locked.

604
00:22:08,775 --> 00:22:09,983
[audience groaning]

605
00:22:09,983 --> 00:22:12,365
Yeah. And the bad
knee went, "Bye-bye!"

606
00:22:12,365 --> 00:22:13,608
[audience laughing]

607
00:22:13,608 --> 00:22:15,748
I went sideways and
I hit the ground.

608
00:22:15,748 --> 00:22:17,922
And so I sit down. It
kind of settled down.

609
00:22:17,922 --> 00:22:19,683
She goes, "Let's just go
on to the Argentine tango.

610
00:22:19,683 --> 00:22:21,201
It's slow and it
won't hurt your knee."

611
00:22:21,201 --> 00:22:22,755
And I said, "Great."

612
00:22:22,755 --> 00:22:26,793
I don't know if you know
what the Argentine tango is,

613
00:22:26,793 --> 00:22:30,003
but it is literally
just sex to music.

614
00:22:30,003 --> 00:22:31,902
[audience laughing]

615
00:22:31,902 --> 00:22:34,353
Oh, it's just this
rub and grind,

616
00:22:34,353 --> 00:22:35,975
and your face is like this.

617
00:22:35,975 --> 00:22:37,942
And I'm like, Oh, Christ.

618
00:22:39,116 --> 00:22:41,049
Well, this is gonna
be really awkward.

619
00:22:41,049 --> 00:22:43,569
I mean, she's 24.

620
00:22:43,569 --> 00:22:45,950
My wife's at every show.

621
00:22:47,331 --> 00:22:49,540
Okay, I'll do it for
the sake of the show.

622
00:22:49,540 --> 00:22:54,511
[audience applauding]
[audience cheering]

623
00:22:57,962 --> 00:22:59,964
Well, I'm a team player.

624
00:22:59,964 --> 00:23:01,621
[audience laughing]

625
00:23:01,621 --> 00:23:03,002
So we start doing this dance.

626
00:23:03,002 --> 00:23:05,073
Well, Emma was always
about this big trick.

627
00:23:05,073 --> 00:23:07,662
She wanted to do some big
trick to impress the judges.

628
00:23:07,662 --> 00:23:09,457
So she goes, "All right, Bill,
here's what I want you to do.

629
00:23:09,457 --> 00:23:11,942
I want you to lay me down,
pick me up, spin me out.

630
00:23:11,942 --> 00:23:14,254
I'll spin back in. You
lift me up, push me out.

631
00:23:14,254 --> 00:23:16,118
I'll whip around your waist
and you catch my legs."

632
00:23:16,118 --> 00:23:18,535
And I went, "[laughs] Okay!

633
00:23:21,054 --> 00:23:22,573
Yeah, you're gonna die,

634
00:23:22,573 --> 00:23:24,575
[audience laughing]

635
00:23:24,575 --> 00:23:26,301
because I don't know if
you've noticed or not,

636
00:23:26,301 --> 00:23:28,441
but I'm not really
good at this."

637
00:23:28,441 --> 00:23:29,753
She goes, "Don't
worry, I'll be there."

638
00:23:29,753 --> 00:23:31,410
I'm like, "Okay,
it's your life."

639
00:23:32,894 --> 00:23:35,068
So we get to that part, and
I lay her down, pick her up,

640
00:23:35,068 --> 00:23:36,725
I spun her out,
she spun back in,

641
00:23:36,725 --> 00:23:38,382
I lifted her up,
I pushed her out,

642
00:23:38,382 --> 00:23:40,419
she whipped around my waist
and I caught her legs.

643
00:23:40,419 --> 00:23:42,938
And I went, "Oh, my God!

644
00:23:44,146 --> 00:23:46,977
I'm getting this!"
[audience laughing]

645
00:23:46,977 --> 00:23:48,254
Oh, yeah!

646
00:23:48,254 --> 00:23:49,945
There's gonna be Bill
Engvall dance studios

647
00:23:49,945 --> 00:23:53,362
across the country.
[audience applauding]

648
00:23:59,886 --> 00:24:01,785
So we keep rehearsing
this dance.

649
00:24:01,785 --> 00:24:02,717
She goes, "All right,
let's do it one more time,

650
00:24:02,717 --> 00:24:04,235
and we'll go home for the day."

651
00:24:04,235 --> 00:24:05,444
Because we've already been
there, like, six hours.

652
00:24:05,444 --> 00:24:07,031
So we got to that point,
and I laid her down,

653
00:24:07,031 --> 00:24:08,585
I picked her up, I spun her out,

654
00:24:08,585 --> 00:24:09,655
she spun back in,
I lifted her up

655
00:24:09,655 --> 00:24:10,897
and I got her to right here.

656
00:24:10,897 --> 00:24:12,727
And her legs were
pointed straight up.

657
00:24:12,727 --> 00:24:14,660
And I'm starting to get tired.

658
00:24:14,660 --> 00:24:18,215
And I let her slip that much.

659
00:24:18,215 --> 00:24:19,803
And then I took my
step that I had to do,

660
00:24:19,803 --> 00:24:21,114
and she shifted away
to whip around me.

661
00:24:21,114 --> 00:24:22,944
And when she did,

662
00:24:22,944 --> 00:24:25,464
I heard a noise
come from my crotch

663
00:24:25,464 --> 00:24:28,467
[audience laughing]

664
00:24:33,575 --> 00:24:36,958
that was somewhere between
a scream and a tear.

665
00:24:36,958 --> 00:24:38,856
[audience laughing]

666
00:24:38,856 --> 00:24:40,996
I had torn my groin.

667
00:24:40,996 --> 00:24:42,584
[audience groaning]
Oh, I hit,

668
00:24:42,584 --> 00:24:43,861
and they're filming everything.

669
00:24:43,861 --> 00:24:45,553
I'm on the ground
grabbing my crotch,

670
00:24:45,553 --> 00:24:46,933
rolling around, screaming.

671
00:24:48,383 --> 00:24:50,868
Emma learned a whole bunch
of new American cuss words.

672
00:24:50,868 --> 00:24:53,526
[audience laughing]

673
00:24:53,526 --> 00:24:56,046
And I have never felt
pain like this in my life.

674
00:24:56,046 --> 00:24:58,980
In fact, fellas, if you've
never torn your groin, allow me.

675
00:25:00,153 --> 00:25:02,017
Go home tonight, take
out your hunting knife,

676
00:25:03,260 --> 00:25:05,400
and put it in a flame,

677
00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:06,919
and let it get glowing red-hot,

678
00:25:06,919 --> 00:25:08,299
and then just jab it
right in your crotch.

679
00:25:08,299 --> 00:25:10,509
That's kind of
what it feels like.

680
00:25:13,650 --> 00:25:15,686
They had to call
Gail to come get me,

681
00:25:15,686 --> 00:25:18,102
because I couldn't even walk.

682
00:25:18,102 --> 00:25:19,345
This happened on a Friday.

683
00:25:19,345 --> 00:25:21,416
We're shooting the
show on Monday.

684
00:25:21,416 --> 00:25:23,176
Saturday morning, I called
little Emma and I said,

685
00:25:23,176 --> 00:25:24,281
"Sweetheart, we're done."

686
00:25:24,281 --> 00:25:25,800
I said, "I can't
get out of bed."

687
00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:27,318
And she goes, "I just want
to make sure you're okay."

688
00:25:27,318 --> 00:25:29,079
And I said, "I'm fine, baby,
but there's no more dancing."

689
00:25:29,079 --> 00:25:31,322
And she goes, "Well, I got
to call the producers."

690
00:25:31,322 --> 00:25:32,876
I said, Well, do
what you got to do."

691
00:25:32,876 --> 00:25:34,222
So she calls the producers.

692
00:25:34,222 --> 00:25:35,775
Well, then the producers
called me and they said,

693
00:25:35,775 --> 00:25:38,157
"Well, we'd like to
bring our doctor over."

694
00:25:38,157 --> 00:25:41,470
[audience laughing]

695
00:25:41,470 --> 00:25:42,299
Okay.

696
00:25:43,542 --> 00:25:45,509
He's a doctor of
pain management.

697
00:25:46,924 --> 00:25:49,202
When I was in college, we
called him Dr. Feelgood.

698
00:25:49,202 --> 00:25:52,205
[audience laughing]

699
00:25:53,206 --> 00:25:54,449
Yeah.

700
00:25:54,449 --> 00:25:56,140
So Saturday morning
I'm laying on my couch

701
00:25:56,140 --> 00:25:57,659
with an ice pack on my crotch.

702
00:25:57,659 --> 00:26:01,352
They show up with producers,
a camera crew, this doctor.

703
00:26:01,352 --> 00:26:02,561
And he starts examining.

704
00:26:02,561 --> 00:26:03,769
He goes, "Yeah, you
tore your groin."

705
00:26:03,769 --> 00:26:04,873
I said, "Yeah, I kind
of figured I did.

706
00:26:04,873 --> 00:26:05,702
I guess we're done, huh?"

707
00:26:05,702 --> 00:26:06,565
And he goes, "No."

708
00:26:07,945 --> 00:26:09,153
"What do you mean, no?"

709
00:26:09,153 --> 00:26:10,638
He goes, "I'm gonna
give you an injection."

710
00:26:10,638 --> 00:26:12,156
I said, "You ain't sticking a
needle anywhere near there."

711
00:26:12,156 --> 00:26:14,193
[audience laughing]

712
00:26:14,193 --> 00:26:15,574
Yeah, right? I'm 58.

713
00:26:15,574 --> 00:26:17,127
I got enough issues
with it as it is.

714
00:26:17,127 --> 00:26:19,681
I don't need a needle being
jabbed around in there.

715
00:26:21,890 --> 00:26:23,789
No little pill's gonna fix that.

716
00:26:25,825 --> 00:26:27,620
So he gives me an
injection in my thigh,

717
00:26:27,620 --> 00:26:29,484
and the pain went, "Bye-bye!"

718
00:26:30,658 --> 00:26:32,591
Monday morning, it
took me two hours

719
00:26:32,591 --> 00:26:33,902
to get ready for
this stupid show.

720
00:26:33,902 --> 00:26:37,596
I was wrapped, strapped,
taped, shaved, gelled.

721
00:26:37,596 --> 00:26:38,838
You name it.

722
00:26:38,838 --> 00:26:41,600
Wearing panty hose
to hold it in place.

723
00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:43,567
And we somehow got
through the cha-cha.

724
00:26:43,567 --> 00:26:45,949
And we got, like,
two 6s and a 7.

725
00:26:45,949 --> 00:26:47,606
And then I don't
know what happened.

726
00:26:47,606 --> 00:26:50,539
I don't know if I just had
resigned myself to the fact

727
00:26:50,539 --> 00:26:52,611
that we were done and
I didn't care anymore.

728
00:26:52,611 --> 00:26:55,683
But we went into the Argentine
tango and we just drilled it.

729
00:26:55,683 --> 00:26:57,236
I mean, it was the
highest score we ever got.

730
00:26:57,236 --> 00:26:58,996
We got, like, two 9s
and an 8, I think.

731
00:26:58,996 --> 00:27:01,309
And so we're standing there
at the end of the show,

732
00:27:01,309 --> 00:27:02,655
and I literally am
standing like this,

733
00:27:02,655 --> 00:27:04,968
'cause I can't put
weight on my leg.

734
00:27:04,968 --> 00:27:07,349
But this time, we're up
against Val and Elizabeth.

735
00:27:07,349 --> 00:27:08,834
And they'd just
gotten three 10s.

736
00:27:08,834 --> 00:27:10,283
A perfect score.

737
00:27:10,283 --> 00:27:11,526
So we're standing
there like this.

738
00:27:11,526 --> 00:27:14,460
And the announcer
goes, Bill and Emma,

739
00:27:14,460 --> 00:27:15,910
you've had below-average
scores all...

740
00:27:15,910 --> 00:27:18,533
All right, do we have to keep
bringing that up, really?

741
00:27:20,190 --> 00:27:21,467
It's like your kid going
through high school,

742
00:27:21,467 --> 00:27:22,399
getting all Ds.

743
00:27:22,399 --> 00:27:23,607
And they go, at graduation,

744
00:27:23,607 --> 00:27:24,781
well, I don't know
how he did it,

745
00:27:24,781 --> 00:27:27,853
but here's his diploma.
[audience laughing]

746
00:27:29,095 --> 00:27:31,304
And he said, "Bill and Emma,

747
00:27:31,304 --> 00:27:33,721
you had two 7s and
a 6 average score.

748
00:27:33,721 --> 00:27:35,412
Did your fans vote
enough to keep you on?"

749
00:27:35,412 --> 00:27:36,655
Duh-duh-duh-duh.

750
00:27:37,794 --> 00:27:39,312
"Val and Elizabeth,
you got three 10s.

751
00:27:39,312 --> 00:27:41,798
A perfect score. Did your fans
vote enough to keep you on?"

752
00:27:41,798 --> 00:27:42,937
And I whispered in Emma's ear,

753
00:27:42,937 --> 00:27:44,421
I said, "Sweetheart,
we're done."

754
00:27:44,421 --> 00:27:45,664
She goes, "Yeah, I'm afraid so."

755
00:27:45,664 --> 00:27:47,458
And I said, "Look, babe,
we walk out of here

756
00:27:47,458 --> 00:27:48,977
with our heads held high."

757
00:27:48,977 --> 00:27:51,290
I said, "We got further
than we thought we'd get.

758
00:27:51,290 --> 00:27:52,567
We got further than anybody

759
00:27:52,567 --> 00:27:54,258
in the free world
thought we'd get.

760
00:27:54,258 --> 00:27:55,190
[audience laughing]

761
00:27:55,190 --> 00:27:56,398
So we walk out of here proud."

762
00:27:56,398 --> 00:27:57,952
And she goes, "You know
what? You're right."

763
00:27:57,952 --> 00:27:59,125
And we look in the
camera and they go,

764
00:27:59,125 --> 00:28:00,782
"Bill and Emma,
you're in the finals."

765
00:28:00,782 --> 00:28:04,165
Oh, my God!
[audience laughing]

766
00:28:04,165 --> 00:28:04,993
What?

767
00:28:07,755 --> 00:28:08,583
Well...

768
00:28:09,895 --> 00:28:13,277
Now I'm convinced
Gail's involved in this.

769
00:28:13,277 --> 00:28:14,934
Well, yeah, she can't
just kill me outright,

770
00:28:14,934 --> 00:28:17,074
'cause then she'd go to prison.

771
00:28:17,074 --> 00:28:18,869
But if she's paying
y'all to vote

772
00:28:18,869 --> 00:28:21,044
and I have a heart attack
and die on this stupid show,

773
00:28:21,044 --> 00:28:22,942
they'd just call it
a tragic accident.

774
00:28:25,013 --> 00:28:27,050
Well, that night after we
did the Argentine tango,

775
00:28:27,050 --> 00:28:28,258
my body was shot.

776
00:28:28,258 --> 00:28:29,328
I mean, I was shut down.

777
00:28:29,328 --> 00:28:30,536
This was me getting into bed.

778
00:28:30,536 --> 00:28:33,056
I literally went back
up against the bed

779
00:28:33,056 --> 00:28:35,092
and then just lay
down like a board,

780
00:28:35,092 --> 00:28:36,818
'cause that way nothing hurt.

781
00:28:36,818 --> 00:28:38,337
And we're in bed.

782
00:28:38,337 --> 00:28:39,096
And Gail said, "Sweetheart,
I got to tell you something."

783
00:28:39,096 --> 00:28:40,339
I said, "What?"

784
00:28:40,339 --> 00:28:41,754
And she goes, "I am
just so proud of you."

785
00:28:41,754 --> 00:28:43,342
She goes, "I know this
wasn't in your comfort zone,

786
00:28:43,342 --> 00:28:44,792
but you did it and you
put your heart into it

787
00:28:44,792 --> 00:28:46,621
and you gave it 100%,

788
00:28:46,621 --> 00:28:49,969
and your fans saw a side of
you they've never seen before."

789
00:28:49,969 --> 00:28:51,108
She goes, "You should
be really proud,

790
00:28:51,108 --> 00:28:52,040
and I'm really proud."

791
00:28:52,040 --> 00:28:53,317
I said, "Thanks, sweetheart."

792
00:28:53,317 --> 00:28:55,250
And she turns off
the bedside light.

793
00:28:55,250 --> 00:28:57,321
Like, a second later
the light comes back on,

794
00:28:57,321 --> 00:28:59,254
and she goes, "I got
to say one more thing."

795
00:28:59,254 --> 00:29:00,531
I said, What?"

796
00:29:00,531 --> 00:29:02,326
And she goes, "You know
that Argentine tango?"

797
00:29:02,326 --> 00:29:03,603
And I said, "Yeah?"

798
00:29:03,603 --> 00:29:05,433
And she goes, That
was frigging hot.

799
00:29:05,433 --> 00:29:10,438
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]

800
00:29:11,715 --> 00:29:14,166
And I know what she wants to do!

801
00:29:16,685 --> 00:29:19,343
And normally I'm all
in, but I was like,

802
00:29:19,343 --> 00:29:21,483
"All right, but you're on
top, because I can't move.

803
00:29:21,483 --> 00:29:25,039
All right?"
[audience laughing]

804
00:29:28,180 --> 00:29:30,044
Well, now we're in the finals.

805
00:29:30,044 --> 00:29:32,425
And Emma is
out-of-her-mind giddy.

806
00:29:32,425 --> 00:29:33,875
She's like, "Bill,
this is the finals.

807
00:29:33,875 --> 00:29:35,843
This is my first year as a
pro and we got to the finals.

808
00:29:35,843 --> 00:29:37,051
You got us to the finals."

809
00:29:37,051 --> 00:29:41,296
I said, "No, I didn't.
My sick fans did."

810
00:29:41,296 --> 00:29:44,127
[audience laughing]

811
00:29:44,127 --> 00:29:45,991
And she goes, "This is
the big dance, Bill.

812
00:29:45,991 --> 00:29:47,302
This is the big dance.

813
00:29:47,302 --> 00:29:48,441
We can do whatever we want."

814
00:29:48,441 --> 00:29:49,926
I go, "No, we can't.

815
00:29:49,926 --> 00:29:50,789
She goes, "What do you mean?"

816
00:29:50,789 --> 00:29:52,204
I go, "Honey, I'm 58.

817
00:29:52,204 --> 00:29:55,000
I've got a torn groin, a
pulled hamstring, a bad knee.

818
00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:56,691
We can't do whatever we want."

819
00:29:56,691 --> 00:29:58,175
And she goes, "All right,
well, I'll keep that in mind."

820
00:29:58,175 --> 00:29:59,314
I go, "Please do."

821
00:30:00,695 --> 00:30:02,110
She goes, "All right,
here's what we're gonna do.

822
00:30:02,110 --> 00:30:04,595
We're gonna dance to
'Raiders of the Lost Ark.'

823
00:30:04,595 --> 00:30:05,769
And the way it's gonna start

824
00:30:05,769 --> 00:30:07,115
is you're on the
second-floor balcony,

825
00:30:07,115 --> 00:30:08,772
and you're gonna
swing in on a rope.

826
00:30:08,772 --> 00:30:12,086
And I'm like...
[audience laughing]

827
00:30:13,156 --> 00:30:14,088
You know what?

828
00:30:14,088 --> 00:30:15,434
At this point, why not? Why not?

829
00:30:16,780 --> 00:30:19,541
If I go off in an ambulance,
it'll be big press.

830
00:30:19,541 --> 00:30:20,819
[audience laughing]

831
00:30:20,819 --> 00:30:22,959
Well, thank God, we
finally got eliminated.

832
00:30:23,891 --> 00:30:25,340
And, by the way,
I joke with you,

833
00:30:25,340 --> 00:30:26,583
but thank you for voting,

834
00:30:26,583 --> 00:30:27,998
'cause it was one of
the funnest things

835
00:30:27,998 --> 00:30:32,761
I've ever done in my life.
[audience cheering]

836
00:30:36,282 --> 00:30:38,181
And do you want to
hear the sick part?

837
00:30:38,181 --> 00:30:39,803
If they called me
tonight and said,

838
00:30:39,803 --> 00:30:41,494
"We need you for
Monday," I'd go back.

839
00:30:41,494 --> 00:30:43,669
It was just that much fun.

840
00:30:43,669 --> 00:30:45,395
But after we got eliminated,

841
00:30:45,395 --> 00:30:47,431
and the show was over,
my knee was just shot.

842
00:30:47,431 --> 00:30:49,157
I went to my orthopedic
guy, and he said,

843
00:30:49,157 --> 00:30:50,918
"I don't even know
how you're standing."

844
00:30:50,918 --> 00:30:52,816
He said, "There's nothing
holding your knee together."

845
00:30:52,816 --> 00:30:54,093
And I said, "Well,
what are we gonna do?"

846
00:30:54,093 --> 00:30:55,715
And he goes, "Well,
we can inject it

847
00:30:55,715 --> 00:30:58,477
with this gel every six months
but that's not gonna fix it."

848
00:30:58,477 --> 00:30:59,892
And I said, "What's
gonna fix it?"

849
00:30:59,892 --> 00:31:02,101
He said, "You need a
total knee replacement."

850
00:31:02,101 --> 00:31:05,449
So December 15th, I had
a total knee replacement.

851
00:31:05,449 --> 00:31:08,245
Have you had one? Yeah.

852
00:31:08,245 --> 00:31:10,006
They're not fun.

853
00:31:10,006 --> 00:31:11,352
Obviously everything went great,

854
00:31:11,352 --> 00:31:13,872
because I'm standing in
front of you right now.

855
00:31:13,872 --> 00:31:15,459
So I wake up in
my hospital room,

856
00:31:15,459 --> 00:31:17,945
and my leg's in this machine
and it's moving around.

857
00:31:17,945 --> 00:31:19,429
But something's weird.

858
00:31:19,429 --> 00:31:20,879
You ever had that feeling
when you know something's off

859
00:31:20,879 --> 00:31:22,328
but you can't figure
out what it is?

860
00:31:22,328 --> 00:31:23,916
And I'm flipping around in bed.

861
00:31:23,916 --> 00:31:25,331
And Gail goes, "What's
wrong with you?"

862
00:31:25,331 --> 00:31:27,057
I go, "I don't know.
Something's weird."

863
00:31:27,057 --> 00:31:28,300
And I flipped this way,

864
00:31:28,300 --> 00:31:29,439
and something hits the
inside of my thigh.

865
00:31:29,439 --> 00:31:31,717
And I went, "Oh, my God."

866
00:31:32,891 --> 00:31:36,653
I have a catheter.
[audience laughing]

867
00:31:41,140 --> 00:31:42,901
I've never had a
catheter before.

868
00:31:44,626 --> 00:31:45,455
And they hurt.

869
00:31:47,422 --> 00:31:48,872
And I said, "Do I
have a catheter in?"

870
00:31:48,872 --> 00:31:50,529
She goes, "Yeah." And
I said, "How? Why?"

871
00:31:50,529 --> 00:31:52,358
And she goes, "Well, Bill,
you were under sedation.

872
00:31:52,358 --> 00:31:53,912
They don't want you
peeing the bed."

873
00:31:53,912 --> 00:31:56,224
And I said, "Well, how long
do I have to have this?"

874
00:31:56,224 --> 00:31:57,708
She goes, "They're coming
to take it out today."

875
00:31:57,708 --> 00:32:01,195
And as if on cue,
the door opens,

876
00:32:01,195 --> 00:32:05,509
and in walks this 24-year-old
brown-haired lady nurse

877
00:32:05,509 --> 00:32:08,961
named Christie.
[audience laughing]

878
00:32:08,961 --> 00:32:10,790
And Christie walks
in and she goes,

879
00:32:10,790 --> 00:32:13,069
"Hi, Mr. Engvall. Big fan."

880
00:32:13,069 --> 00:32:16,072
[audience laughing]

881
00:32:21,215 --> 00:32:22,043
Not now.

882
00:32:23,493 --> 00:32:25,771
And she goes, "I'm gonna be the
one removing your catheter."

883
00:32:25,771 --> 00:32:27,393
Oh, God!

884
00:32:28,877 --> 00:32:32,398
And I thought dancing with
a 24-year-old was awkward.

885
00:32:34,159 --> 00:32:35,815
And then she goes, "I
have to tell you this."

886
00:32:35,815 --> 00:32:38,922
She goes, "I've never
actually done this before."

887
00:32:38,922 --> 00:32:40,510
[audience laughing]

888
00:32:40,510 --> 00:32:43,582
"What? Well, go
practice on a dead guy!"

889
00:32:43,582 --> 00:32:47,172
[audience laughing]

890
00:32:47,172 --> 00:32:48,897
She goes, "I understand
it just feels like

891
00:32:48,897 --> 00:32:50,140
a little bit of pressure."

892
00:32:50,140 --> 00:32:51,521
And I'm thinking, "Oh, God!"

893
00:32:52,729 --> 00:32:54,524
That's what the
prostate guy said.

894
00:32:54,524 --> 00:32:57,492
[audience laughing]

895
00:33:03,291 --> 00:33:06,294
She walks over to the
bed, pulls the sheet down,

896
00:33:06,294 --> 00:33:08,124
lifts up my gown, looks down.

897
00:33:08,124 --> 00:33:09,918
Now, here, let me tell you this.

898
00:33:09,918 --> 00:33:12,921
I'm on every drug
known to man right now,

899
00:33:12,921 --> 00:33:15,821
so I'm not real sure how
I'm representing myself

900
00:33:15,821 --> 00:33:17,064
at this point in time.

901
00:33:17,064 --> 00:33:20,067
[audience laughing]

902
00:33:25,175 --> 00:33:28,075
She looks under my gown,
looks at me and says,

903
00:33:28,075 --> 00:33:29,524
"Do you have pets?"

904
00:33:29,524 --> 00:33:32,527
[audience laughing]

905
00:33:42,020 --> 00:33:42,848
"What?"

906
00:33:44,988 --> 00:33:46,231
She said, "Pets,
do you have pets?

907
00:33:46,231 --> 00:33:47,059
I went...

908
00:33:49,544 --> 00:33:50,373
"Yeah."

909
00:33:51,546 --> 00:33:55,688
And she goes, "Me too."
[audience laughing]

910
00:33:57,449 --> 00:33:58,967
She goes, "What kind
of pets do you have?"

911
00:33:58,967 --> 00:34:00,935
And I went...

912
00:34:00,935 --> 00:34:04,214
[audience laughing]

913
00:34:04,214 --> 00:34:05,698
"I got a dog."

914
00:34:06,596 --> 00:34:09,461
And she goes, "I love dogs."

915
00:34:09,461 --> 00:34:10,738
She goes, "What kind
of dog do you have?"

916
00:34:10,738 --> 00:34:12,119
And I said, "Is
there claw marks?

917
00:34:12,119 --> 00:34:13,913
Is there something
I don't know about?

918
00:34:13,913 --> 00:34:16,261
[audience laughing]

919
00:34:16,261 --> 00:34:17,503
Why are you..."

920
00:34:19,229 --> 00:34:21,162
And I looked at Gail and I said,

921
00:34:21,162 --> 00:34:22,681
"What is she doing?"

922
00:34:22,681 --> 00:34:26,409
And she goes, "Honey, she's
just trying to relax you."

923
00:34:26,409 --> 00:34:28,376
I said, "Well, I'm not relaxed!"

924
00:34:29,550 --> 00:34:31,690
When a 24-year-old girl
is looking at my junk,

925
00:34:31,690 --> 00:34:33,830
I don't want to talk about
my Australian shepherd.

926
00:34:33,830 --> 00:34:36,833
[audience laughing]

927
00:34:39,215 --> 00:34:40,492
And by the way,

928
00:34:40,492 --> 00:34:43,426
if you're a nurse and
this is your practice,

929
00:34:43,426 --> 00:34:44,910
that's not relaxing.

930
00:34:44,910 --> 00:34:46,739
[audience laughing]

931
00:34:46,739 --> 00:34:49,777
If you want to relax
me, lift up my gown,

932
00:34:49,777 --> 00:34:52,676
look under it, and then
look at me and go, "Whoa!"

933
00:34:52,676 --> 00:34:57,681
[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

934
00:35:04,723 --> 00:35:06,069
Now I'm relaxed.

935
00:35:08,485 --> 00:35:11,661
So she starts pulling this tube.

936
00:35:11,661 --> 00:35:13,076
Yeah.

937
00:35:13,076 --> 00:35:15,458
And apparently, it was
touching the back of my skull,

938
00:35:17,839 --> 00:35:21,188
because she pulled for
what seemed like an hour.

939
00:35:21,188 --> 00:35:23,811
And then I heard
[mimics popping] and
she goes, "All done."

940
00:35:23,811 --> 00:35:25,399
I'm like, "Oh, God!

941
00:35:26,331 --> 00:35:28,816
Could this get any worse?"

942
00:35:28,816 --> 00:35:30,576
She starts to leave,
then she turns.

943
00:35:30,576 --> 00:35:31,439
She goes, "Oh, one more thing."

944
00:35:31,439 --> 00:35:32,716
I said, "What?"

945
00:35:32,716 --> 00:35:34,201
She goes, "I can't discharge you

946
00:35:34,201 --> 00:35:35,892
until you have a
bowel movement."

947
00:35:36,927 --> 00:35:38,101
It just got worse.

948
00:35:39,896 --> 00:35:43,244
'Cause I'm on a little
drug called Percocet.

949
00:35:43,244 --> 00:35:44,521
And if you've been on Percocet,

950
00:35:44,521 --> 00:35:47,731
you know there is
no bowel movement.

951
00:35:47,731 --> 00:35:49,699
As a matter of fact,
I looked it up.

952
00:35:49,699 --> 00:35:51,735
And Percocet is a Latin word.

953
00:35:51,735 --> 00:35:52,805
And the definition is,

954
00:35:52,805 --> 00:35:54,255
we've shoved a cork in your butt

955
00:35:54,255 --> 00:35:56,223
and super-glued your
cheeks together.

956
00:35:56,223 --> 00:35:59,226
[audience laughing]

957
00:36:02,401 --> 00:36:03,609
I'm not kidding you.

958
00:36:03,609 --> 00:36:05,784
I nearly had an aneurysm
just trying to fart.

959
00:36:05,784 --> 00:36:08,787
[audience laughing]

960
00:36:20,178 --> 00:36:22,732
So a couple days goes by.

961
00:36:22,732 --> 00:36:24,147
And if you've ever
been on Percocet,

962
00:36:24,147 --> 00:36:27,150
you know the moment I'm
about to talk about.

963
00:36:27,150 --> 00:36:30,360
It's that moment you realize
you can go to the bathroom,

964
00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:33,363
and it's the happiest
day of your life.

965
00:36:33,363 --> 00:36:34,882
Right but I can't
just get out of bed,

966
00:36:34,882 --> 00:36:37,609
'cause my leg's in this
machine and I can't walk yet.

967
00:36:37,609 --> 00:36:39,783
So I have to call
the nurse's station.

968
00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:44,512
And so I go, ding.

969
00:36:44,512 --> 00:36:45,996
And the nurse goes, "Yes,
Mr. Engvall. Can I help you?"

970
00:36:45,996 --> 00:36:47,481
And I said, "Hi.

971
00:36:51,899 --> 00:36:53,003
Is Christie around?

972
00:36:53,003 --> 00:36:56,006
[audience laughing]

973
00:36:59,562 --> 00:37:02,047
And she goes, "No, she's down
the hall with another patient.

974
00:37:02,047 --> 00:37:03,255
What can I help you with?"

975
00:37:03,255 --> 00:37:06,362
And I don't want to just
say I got to go poop.

976
00:37:06,362 --> 00:37:07,639
And I'm a comedian.
They know that.

977
00:37:07,639 --> 00:37:09,434
So I'm trying to be funny.

978
00:37:09,434 --> 00:37:12,264
So I go, "Yeah, would
you just tell her

979
00:37:12,264 --> 00:37:14,542
I need to drop some
friends at the lake?"

980
00:37:14,542 --> 00:37:17,545
[audience laughing]

981
00:37:25,795 --> 00:37:27,797
And she said, "You
can't go to the lake.

982
00:37:27,797 --> 00:37:29,039
You haven't been
discharged yet."

983
00:37:29,039 --> 00:37:34,044
I'm like...
[audience laughing]

984
00:37:40,223 --> 00:37:41,051
You know,

985
00:37:47,989 --> 00:37:50,820
"Just tell her the turtle's
trying to get out of the pond."

986
00:37:50,820 --> 00:37:53,823
[audience laughing]

987
00:37:55,238 --> 00:37:56,998
And she goes, "You can't
have pets in the hospital."

988
00:37:56,998 --> 00:38:01,555
I'm like, "Oh, my God! Are
you really not getting this?"

989
00:38:01,555 --> 00:38:02,797
So I finally said,

990
00:38:02,797 --> 00:38:04,282
"No, just tell her
I have to poop."

991
00:38:04,282 --> 00:38:06,767
And she goes, "I'm sorry, you
cut out. What did you say?"

992
00:38:06,767 --> 00:38:08,458
[audience laughing]
No, I did not!

993
00:38:09,528 --> 00:38:11,150
I heard it through my door.

994
00:38:12,600 --> 00:38:14,464
All of a sudden I hear, "Oh,
Christie, it's Mr. Engvall.

995
00:38:14,464 --> 00:38:15,293
He has to poop."

996
00:38:15,293 --> 00:38:16,155
Oh, God!

997
00:38:18,882 --> 00:38:20,298
So Christie comes in all bubbly.

998
00:38:20,298 --> 00:38:21,816
"So we're gonna give it a try?"

999
00:38:23,301 --> 00:38:25,372
Would you not be so
bubbly about this?

1000
00:38:26,821 --> 00:38:29,755
So she gets me out of bed
and I get in my walker.

1001
00:38:29,755 --> 00:38:31,032
And we get into the bathroom.

1002
00:38:31,032 --> 00:38:33,725
And it's some kind of
like circus bathroom.

1003
00:38:33,725 --> 00:38:37,315
I mean, there's pipes and
bars and a swing and a net

1004
00:38:37,315 --> 00:38:39,317
and a guy selling popcorn.

1005
00:38:39,317 --> 00:38:41,767
It was just like...
[audience laughing]

1006
00:38:41,767 --> 00:38:43,597
And she gets me
seated on the toilet,

1007
00:38:43,597 --> 00:38:45,357
and she stands there.

1008
00:38:45,357 --> 00:38:46,945
[audience laughing]
I'm like...

1009
00:38:48,912 --> 00:38:51,536
I go, "This ain't gonna work
if you're standing here."

1010
00:38:51,536 --> 00:38:53,123
And she goes, "I
can't leave the room."

1011
00:38:53,123 --> 00:38:55,125
I go, "You've got
to leave the room."

1012
00:38:56,368 --> 00:38:57,576
And she goes, "I can't,

1013
00:38:57,576 --> 00:38:58,819
because you might
fall off the toilet."

1014
00:38:58,819 --> 00:39:00,027
And I go, "Oh, God!

1015
00:39:02,236 --> 00:39:05,273
I'm not gonna fall
off the toilet."

1016
00:39:05,273 --> 00:39:07,379
I go, "Just stand on the
other side of the door,

1017
00:39:07,379 --> 00:39:08,863
and if I think I'm gonna fall,

1018
00:39:08,863 --> 00:39:12,039
I'll give you a precursory,
whoa, whoa, whoa,

1019
00:39:13,212 --> 00:39:15,594
And then you run in
and save my life."

1020
00:39:17,734 --> 00:39:18,977
She said, "All right,
but I have to leave

1021
00:39:18,977 --> 00:39:20,254
the door cracked open."

1022
00:39:20,254 --> 00:39:22,463
I'm like, "Oh, God,
whatever. Just go."

1023
00:39:22,463 --> 00:39:25,984
'Cause I'm afraid this
feeling is gonna pass.

1024
00:39:25,984 --> 00:39:27,675
As we said earlier,

1025
00:39:27,675 --> 00:39:29,574
Percocet, there is
no bowel movement.

1026
00:39:29,574 --> 00:39:34,302
But what it does give
you is explosive gas.

1027
00:39:34,302 --> 00:39:36,235
And apparently I
had the bathroom

1028
00:39:36,235 --> 00:39:38,410
with the supersonic
microphone in the toilet

1029
00:39:42,794 --> 00:39:44,485
'cause every time I passed gas

1030
00:39:44,485 --> 00:39:46,211
I sound like the
bombs at Normandy

1031
00:39:46,211 --> 00:39:47,108
going [imitates bomb exploding].

1032
00:39:49,007 --> 00:39:50,491
And every time she
goes, "Success?"

1033
00:39:50,491 --> 00:39:51,492
I'm like, "Shut up!"

1034
00:39:55,047 --> 00:39:57,360
Finally, like, a BB dropped out.

1035
00:39:57,360 --> 00:40:00,052
And I'm like, "That counts!
That counts, right there."

1036
00:40:06,576 --> 00:40:08,820
So she leaves.

1037
00:40:08,820 --> 00:40:10,615
A couple hours later another
nurse comes in and goes,

1038
00:40:10,615 --> 00:40:13,411
"Okay, Mr. Engvall, it's time
for you to go to therapy."

1039
00:40:13,411 --> 00:40:15,033
The surgery doesn't hurt.

1040
00:40:16,483 --> 00:40:19,624
The physical therapy will
bring tears to your eyes.

1041
00:40:19,624 --> 00:40:21,419
I never thought the
words exercise bike

1042
00:40:21,419 --> 00:40:24,698
would make me cry
out loud, but it did.

1043
00:40:24,698 --> 00:40:26,078
So they come and they get me.

1044
00:40:26,078 --> 00:40:28,943
They get me out of bed,
and I get in my walker.

1045
00:40:28,943 --> 00:40:31,014
What am I, like, 90?
[audience laughing]

1046
00:40:31,014 --> 00:40:33,258
And if you've ever watched
anybody with a walker walk,

1047
00:40:33,258 --> 00:40:35,225
it makes a very distinct noise.

1048
00:40:35,225 --> 00:40:36,399
It goes [imitates
clicking and scraping].

1049
00:40:41,335 --> 00:40:44,062
What I don't know is the wing
of this hospital that I'm in,

1050
00:40:44,062 --> 00:40:46,305
all they do is hip
and knee replacement.

1051
00:40:46,305 --> 00:40:48,446
So they get me out to the
hallway to go to therapy,

1052
00:40:48,446 --> 00:40:49,930
and I'm walking down the hall,

1053
00:40:49,930 --> 00:40:51,138
and I'm hearing this [imitates
clicking and scraping].

1054
00:40:59,733 --> 00:41:01,251
And I look behind me,

1055
00:41:01,251 --> 00:41:03,461
and there's like 10 other
old guys and their walkers.

1056
00:41:04,600 --> 00:41:06,774
We're like a senior
citizen train

1057
00:41:06,774 --> 00:41:08,189
heading to physical therapy.

1058
00:41:10,606 --> 00:41:12,642
So we go to therapy
and we're coming back.

1059
00:41:12,642 --> 00:41:14,126
And the nurse says,
"Look, gentlemen,

1060
00:41:14,126 --> 00:41:15,576
if you don't want to go
back to your hospital rooms,

1061
00:41:15,576 --> 00:41:17,267
you can just sit here in
the common area and visit."

1062
00:41:17,267 --> 00:41:19,442
Nobody wants to go back
to their hospital rooms.

1063
00:41:19,442 --> 00:41:21,099
So we're all sitting
around kind of a circle,

1064
00:41:21,099 --> 00:41:23,895
and there's just
this awkward silence.

1065
00:41:23,895 --> 00:41:26,553
You know, we've all got
our walkers by our chairs.

1066
00:41:26,553 --> 00:41:28,486
And nobody's talking.
And I hate that.

1067
00:41:28,486 --> 00:41:30,073
So I thought, well, I got
to be the one to break this.

1068
00:41:30,073 --> 00:41:31,558
But I don't know these guys.

1069
00:41:31,558 --> 00:41:34,043
I don't know where they're
from or what their story is.

1070
00:41:34,043 --> 00:41:35,562
So I finally just look at
the guy across and I go,

1071
00:41:35,562 --> 00:41:39,600
"Hey man. What kind of tennis
balls you got on your walker?"

1072
00:41:39,600 --> 00:41:42,603
[audience laughing]

1073
00:41:43,570 --> 00:41:44,536
And he goes...

1074
00:41:46,227 --> 00:41:47,125
"Wilsons."

1075
00:41:48,954 --> 00:41:50,508
"Good brand. Smooth ride.

1076
00:41:50,508 --> 00:41:52,061
Yeah, they'll last a long time."

1077
00:41:53,096 --> 00:41:54,546
So finally people start talking.

1078
00:41:54,546 --> 00:41:56,479
Well, then naturally
the conversation got to

1079
00:41:56,479 --> 00:41:57,998
how did you end up here?

1080
00:41:57,998 --> 00:42:00,966
And I swear to you as I
am standing right here,

1081
00:42:00,966 --> 00:42:02,105
the guy to my left goes,

1082
00:42:02,105 --> 00:42:04,314
"Well, I was in
Vietnam. I was a pilot.

1083
00:42:04,314 --> 00:42:05,453
A plane got shot down.

1084
00:42:05,453 --> 00:42:06,938
I took some shrapnel
to the knee,

1085
00:42:06,938 --> 00:42:08,387
and it finally got so bad
they had to replace it."

1086
00:42:09,492 --> 00:42:12,495
[audience laughing]

1087
00:42:15,533 --> 00:42:16,775
The guy over here goes,

1088
00:42:16,775 --> 00:42:17,949
:I used to play for
the Houston Oilers,

1089
00:42:17,949 --> 00:42:19,847
and a 300-pound lineman
took out my knee,

1090
00:42:19,847 --> 00:42:21,711
and it finally got so arthritic
they had to replace it."

1091
00:42:21,711 --> 00:42:24,749
I'm like, "Oh, God."
[audience laughing]

1092
00:42:24,749 --> 00:42:26,336
And then one of them
goes, "What about you?"

1093
00:42:26,336 --> 00:42:30,962
I went, "Oh, God.

1094
00:42:30,962 --> 00:42:31,790
Well, boys,

1095
00:42:33,585 --> 00:42:35,691
I hurt mine doing the cha-cha."

1096
00:42:35,691 --> 00:42:40,696
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

1097
00:42:45,735 --> 00:42:48,945
There's no way to
make that sound tough.

1098
00:42:48,945 --> 00:42:51,499
You know, nobody's
gonna go, "Ooh."

1099
00:42:51,499 --> 00:42:53,467
You keep adding on,
it just gets worse.

1100
00:42:53,467 --> 00:42:55,296
Yeah, thank God I
had my leotards on,

1101
00:42:55,296 --> 00:42:57,989
because I heard it go.
[audience laughing]

1102
00:42:57,989 --> 00:42:59,542
And I finally get discharged.

1103
00:42:59,542 --> 00:43:02,649
But if you want to know what
my life is like in one moment,

1104
00:43:02,649 --> 00:43:04,271
this is it.

1105
00:43:04,271 --> 00:43:05,444
Gail comes and gets me,

1106
00:43:05,444 --> 00:43:07,308
and they wheel me
downstairs to the lobby,

1107
00:43:07,308 --> 00:43:08,827
and they give me my crutches.

1108
00:43:08,827 --> 00:43:10,242
And I'm just getting
ready to leave.

1109
00:43:10,242 --> 00:43:11,623
And I hear this, "Mr. Engvall."

1110
00:43:11,623 --> 00:43:13,694
And I turn around and on
the second-floor balcony

1111
00:43:13,694 --> 00:43:14,937
that looks over to the lobby,

1112
00:43:14,937 --> 00:43:16,835
it's Christie, my nurse.

1113
00:43:16,835 --> 00:43:18,043
And I said, "Hey, Christie,

1114
00:43:18,043 --> 00:43:19,217
I just want to say
thanks for everything.

1115
00:43:19,217 --> 00:43:20,494
You know, you guys
treated me really well."

1116
00:43:20,494 --> 00:43:21,529
And she goes, "I forgot
to tell you something."

1117
00:43:21,529 --> 00:43:22,358
I said, "What?"

1118
00:43:22,358 --> 00:43:24,049
And she went, "Whoa."

1119
00:43:24,049 --> 00:43:29,054
[audience cheering]
[audience laughing]

1120
00:43:38,616 --> 00:43:39,824
But you know what?

1121
00:43:39,824 --> 00:43:40,756
If you've had a
knee replacement,

1122
00:43:40,756 --> 00:43:41,688
you know what I'm talking about.

1123
00:43:41,688 --> 00:43:43,206
And I got to be honest with you.

1124
00:43:43,206 --> 00:43:44,932
I was really proud of myself,
because it was very painful.

1125
00:43:44,932 --> 00:43:46,175
It was one of the most painful
things I've ever been through

1126
00:43:46,175 --> 00:43:47,625
in my life, and
I got through it.

1127
00:43:47,625 --> 00:43:49,178
And I was really
proud of myself.

1128
00:43:49,178 --> 00:43:50,835
And I said, you know, you
just got through something

1129
00:43:50,835 --> 00:43:53,251
that's probably the
worst pain of your life.

1130
00:43:53,251 --> 00:43:55,598
Two days later, I
got a kidney stone.

1131
00:43:55,598 --> 00:43:58,014
[audience laughing]

1132
00:43:58,014 --> 00:44:00,120
Turns out I was wrong.

1133
00:44:01,915 --> 00:44:03,399
Oh, man.

1134
00:44:03,399 --> 00:44:06,747
I would not wish this
pain on the devil himself.

1135
00:44:07,886 --> 00:44:09,888
2:30 in the morning,
I'm in an emergency room

1136
00:44:09,888 --> 00:44:11,476
crying like a little girl,

1137
00:44:11,476 --> 00:44:14,306
ripping holes in the
sheets of the bed.

1138
00:44:14,306 --> 00:44:15,583
'Cause if you've had one, you
know what I'm talking about.

1139
00:44:15,583 --> 00:44:17,689
It's like the most
debilitating thing

1140
00:44:17,689 --> 00:44:18,932
that you can go through.

1141
00:44:18,932 --> 00:44:21,106
And I'm just like
going, [grunts].

1142
00:44:21,106 --> 00:44:22,280
And this nurse goes,

1143
00:44:22,280 --> 00:44:23,695
"Well, now you
know what it's like

1144
00:44:23,695 --> 00:44:26,836
to go through childbirth."
[audience laughing]

1145
00:44:26,836 --> 00:44:28,320
And I said through my tears,

1146
00:44:28,320 --> 00:44:31,599
"Well, then, ma'am,
y'all are stupid.

1147
00:44:31,599 --> 00:44:34,879
[audience laughing]

1148
00:44:34,879 --> 00:44:37,882
If this is what childbirth
is like, there'd be no kids."

1149
00:44:39,400 --> 00:44:40,816
And then they gave
me a little shot

1150
00:44:40,816 --> 00:44:42,714
of something called Dilaudid.

1151
00:44:42,714 --> 00:44:43,991
[audience laughing]

1152
00:44:43,991 --> 00:44:45,993
Why is this not in
every candy section

1153
00:44:45,993 --> 00:44:48,133
of every grocery store?

1154
00:44:49,031 --> 00:44:50,239
My brother-in-law said,

1155
00:44:50,239 --> 00:44:51,723
"You went from crying
like a little girl

1156
00:44:51,723 --> 00:44:53,863
to all of a sudden going,
'So, what's your name?'"

1157
00:44:53,863 --> 00:44:56,866
[audience laughing]

1158
00:44:57,867 --> 00:44:59,455
So I go to see my urologist.

1159
00:44:59,455 --> 00:45:00,905
And he goes, "Yeah, you
got a kidney stone."

1160
00:45:00,905 --> 00:45:02,389
I said, "So what
happens? I just pass it?"

1161
00:45:02,389 --> 00:45:04,425
And he goes, "Well, normally,
that's what would happen."

1162
00:45:04,425 --> 00:45:07,118
He said, "But Bill, you
have a very small urethra."

1163
00:45:07,118 --> 00:45:10,121
[audience laughing]

1164
00:45:12,951 --> 00:45:16,334
How do you even respond to that?

1165
00:45:16,334 --> 00:45:18,646
I said, "Well, you
know what, doc?

1166
00:45:18,646 --> 00:45:20,131
It's kind of cold in here."

1167
00:45:20,131 --> 00:45:23,134
[audience laughing]

1168
00:45:27,000 --> 00:45:30,555
He's like, "Sir, that has
nothing at all to do..."

1169
00:45:32,833 --> 00:45:36,112
There's three things in life
a man never wants to hear.

1170
00:45:37,217 --> 00:45:39,529
"You kiss like a dog."

1171
00:45:39,529 --> 00:45:41,531
"You throw like a girl."

1172
00:45:41,531 --> 00:45:43,602
And, "You have a
very small urethra."

1173
00:45:43,602 --> 00:45:45,570
[audience laughing]

1174
00:45:45,570 --> 00:45:47,054
So I said, "Well,
what's gonna happen?"

1175
00:45:47,054 --> 00:45:49,263
He goes, "Well, we're gonna
do this little procedure,

1176
00:45:49,263 --> 00:45:51,024
where we're gonna insert a tube

1177
00:45:53,302 --> 00:45:55,649
[audience laughing]

1178
00:45:55,649 --> 00:45:56,995
up through your wiener."

1179
00:45:56,995 --> 00:45:59,998
[audience laughing]

1180
00:46:01,586 --> 00:46:06,004
There's four things in life
[audience laughing]

1181
00:46:07,074 --> 00:46:09,042
a man never wants to hear.

1182
00:46:14,875 --> 00:46:18,258
And inserting a tube in
your wiener is numero uno.

1183
00:46:19,880 --> 00:46:21,951
He said, "What we'll do is
we'll put that tube up there,

1184
00:46:21,951 --> 00:46:24,747
then we'll take the laser
and we'll stick it up there

1185
00:46:24,747 --> 00:46:25,852
and we'll blast the stone."

1186
00:46:25,852 --> 00:46:27,301
And he said,
"You'll be sedated."

1187
00:46:27,301 --> 00:46:30,822
And I said, "Yes, I will.
[audience laughing]

1188
00:46:30,822 --> 00:46:32,065
As a matter of fact,

1189
00:46:32,065 --> 00:46:35,033
I want to be so sedated
that I see that light

1190
00:46:35,033 --> 00:46:37,277
and I want to walk
into it, all right?"

1191
00:46:39,175 --> 00:46:40,936
So they do the procedure.

1192
00:46:40,936 --> 00:46:42,454
They bring out the anesthesia.

1193
00:46:42,454 --> 00:46:43,904
And I said, "Did
you get the stone?"

1194
00:46:43,904 --> 00:46:45,699
And he goes, "Bill, I
have never had this happen

1195
00:46:45,699 --> 00:46:46,942
in my medical career."

1196
00:46:46,942 --> 00:46:48,633
[audience groaning]
And I'm like...

1197
00:46:48,633 --> 00:46:51,049
"Please don't tell me you lost
your wedding ring up there."

1198
00:46:51,049 --> 00:46:54,052
[audience laughing]

1199
00:46:56,296 --> 00:46:57,469
He said "No."

1200
00:46:57,469 --> 00:47:00,265
He said, "Your
urethra is so small,

1201
00:47:00,265 --> 00:47:03,751
we couldn't even get the laser
up there to blast the stone."

1202
00:47:03,751 --> 00:47:06,064
He said, "Is this hereditary?"

1203
00:47:06,064 --> 00:47:09,827
[audience laughing]

1204
00:47:09,827 --> 00:47:11,759
"I don't know!

1205
00:47:12,968 --> 00:47:15,418
Me and Pops never
had that chat."

1206
00:47:18,007 --> 00:47:19,560
"Well, son, you're 21.

1207
00:47:19,560 --> 00:47:21,804
It's time you learn about
the Engvall family curse.

1208
00:47:23,944 --> 00:47:26,188
Oh, we've all had
small urethras.

1209
00:47:27,603 --> 00:47:29,363
In fact, your
great-granddaddy Max Engvall,

1210
00:47:29,363 --> 00:47:30,951
he toured with Ripley's
Believe It or Not!,

1211
00:47:30,951 --> 00:47:31,952
his was so small."

1212
00:47:34,368 --> 00:47:35,680
So I said, "So
what happens now?"

1213
00:47:35,680 --> 00:47:37,371
And he goes, "Well, we
put a stent in there

1214
00:47:37,371 --> 00:47:39,373
to spread your urethra.
[audience groaning]

1215
00:47:39,373 --> 00:47:40,685
Leave it in there for two weeks.

1216
00:47:40,685 --> 00:47:43,239
We'll go back in
and get the stone."

1217
00:47:43,239 --> 00:47:45,414
So for two weeks
I have this stent.

1218
00:47:47,243 --> 00:47:48,900
I go back in, they put me under.

1219
00:47:48,900 --> 00:47:50,212
I come out and they
go, "We got the stone."

1220
00:47:50,212 --> 00:47:51,972
And I said, "Thank God."

1221
00:47:51,972 --> 00:47:53,491
And he said,

1222
00:47:53,491 --> 00:47:54,699
"You can pull the stent
out in a couple of days."

1223
00:47:54,699 --> 00:47:57,702
[audience laughing]

1224
00:48:03,397 --> 00:48:04,640
I'm sorry, what?

1225
00:48:06,159 --> 00:48:07,574
He said, "Yeah, you can
just pull the stent out."

1226
00:48:07,574 --> 00:48:09,507
And I go, "What am
I paying you to do?"

1227
00:48:10,715 --> 00:48:11,992
That's like gonna a
restaurant and going,

1228
00:48:11,992 --> 00:48:13,511
"Yeah, I'll have the
steak and lobster."

1229
00:48:13,511 --> 00:48:14,339
And they go, "Well, there's
the kitchen. Go cook it."

1230
00:48:14,339 --> 00:48:16,272
[audience laughing]

1231
00:48:16,272 --> 00:48:18,585
I said, "Dude, I'm a comedian.

1232
00:48:18,585 --> 00:48:19,793
I don't know how to
pull a stent out."

1233
00:48:19,793 --> 00:48:20,863
He goes, "You will."

1234
00:48:21,968 --> 00:48:23,693
And he leaves the room.

1235
00:48:23,693 --> 00:48:25,385
And I look under the sheet.

1236
00:48:28,008 --> 00:48:29,837
And without being too graphic,

1237
00:48:31,322 --> 00:48:33,013
I have a thread

1238
00:48:35,602 --> 00:48:36,983
hanging out of my wiener.

1239
00:48:36,983 --> 00:48:41,988
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

1240
00:48:45,405 --> 00:48:50,410
I don't even sew.
[audience laughing]

1241
00:48:51,273 --> 00:48:53,102
And let me tell you something.

1242
00:48:55,587 --> 00:49:00,558
When you have a thread hanging
out of your ding-a-ling,

1243
00:49:02,111 --> 00:49:04,148
it makes it pretty
interesting to pee.

1244
00:49:06,598 --> 00:49:08,497
Every time I'd pee it
was like the fountains

1245
00:49:08,497 --> 00:49:10,809
at the Bellagio Hotel, just
[mimicking water spraying].

1246
00:49:16,298 --> 00:49:18,645
And Gail keep going, "Bill,
you're getting pee all over..."

1247
00:49:18,645 --> 00:49:20,267
I go, "Well, I got a thread

1248
00:49:21,717 --> 00:49:23,201
hanging out of my ding-a-ling!

1249
00:49:24,685 --> 00:49:27,378
Excuse me if the aim
is a little off!"

1250
00:49:36,076 --> 00:49:37,560
A couple days goes by,

1251
00:49:38,630 --> 00:49:40,115
and the doctor calls.

1252
00:49:40,115 --> 00:49:41,219
And he goes, "I need you to
pull the stent out today."

1253
00:49:41,219 --> 00:49:43,049
I'm like, "Oh, God."

1254
00:49:43,049 --> 00:49:44,533
I go, "Is this gonna hurt?"

1255
00:49:44,533 --> 00:49:46,017
And he goes, "No, no."

1256
00:49:46,017 --> 00:49:48,088
He goes, "Just take a couple
Percocet, you'll be fine."

1257
00:49:50,504 --> 00:49:52,299
"Wait a minute, if
it doesn't hurt,

1258
00:49:52,299 --> 00:49:54,198
why am I taking two Percocet?"

1259
00:49:54,198 --> 00:49:55,682
He said, "Well, I don't know
what your pain threshold is."

1260
00:49:55,682 --> 00:49:57,615
And I said, "Then
we're gonna have four."

1261
00:49:57,615 --> 00:50:00,100
[audience laughing]

1262
00:50:00,100 --> 00:50:02,896
So I eat my four Percocet.

1263
00:50:02,896 --> 00:50:04,104
And I looked at Gail and I said,

1264
00:50:04,104 --> 00:50:05,554
"Baby, you're gonna have
to help me with this."

1265
00:50:05,554 --> 00:50:07,832
And she goes, "What? No."
[audience laughing]

1266
00:50:07,832 --> 00:50:10,421
I go, "What do you mean, no?
What happened to our vows?

1267
00:50:10,421 --> 00:50:12,354
You know, for better or
worse. Sickness and health.

1268
00:50:12,354 --> 00:50:13,976
What if I hurt
you or damage it?"

1269
00:50:13,976 --> 00:50:16,530
I go, "What else could be
done to me at this point?"

1270
00:50:16,530 --> 00:50:19,016
[audience laughing]

1271
00:50:19,016 --> 00:50:20,293
And she goes,

1272
00:50:20,293 --> 00:50:21,432
"Well, I'm gonna have to
shotgun a couple beers."

1273
00:50:21,432 --> 00:50:24,538
I'm like...
[audience laughing]

1274
00:50:27,472 --> 00:50:29,336
Great, I'm on
Percocet, you're drunk,

1275
00:50:29,336 --> 00:50:30,889
and we're performing
a medical procedure.

1276
00:50:30,889 --> 00:50:34,721
This ought to be awesome.
[audience laughing]

1277
00:50:37,379 --> 00:50:40,313
So she literally shotguns
two beers in front of me

1278
00:50:40,313 --> 00:50:41,866
and then goes, "All
right, let's do this."

1279
00:50:41,866 --> 00:50:45,421
And I go, "Not with that
look on your face, ma'am.

1280
00:50:46,664 --> 00:50:48,390
You slap a smile on
that face, sister."

1281
00:50:49,632 --> 00:50:51,496
So we go upstairs and
I lay down on the bed,

1282
00:50:51,496 --> 00:50:52,911
and she takes hold of
the string and she goes,

1283
00:50:52,911 --> 00:50:54,051
"Oh, wait, I got an idea."

1284
00:50:54,051 --> 00:50:55,535
And I said, "What?"

1285
00:50:55,535 --> 00:50:58,193
And she goes, "Why don't we tie
the string to the doorknob."

1286
00:50:58,193 --> 00:51:00,816
[audience laughing]

1287
00:51:00,816 --> 00:51:04,958
And I go, "What?" [laughs]

1288
00:51:04,958 --> 00:51:07,064
I go, "This isn't
a loose tooth!"

1289
00:51:09,066 --> 00:51:10,274
She starts pulling the string.

1290
00:51:10,274 --> 00:51:11,102
I go, "Stop, stop.

1291
00:51:11,102 --> 00:51:12,586
This is just too weird."

1292
00:51:12,586 --> 00:51:13,967
And she goes, "Thank God.
I need another beer."

1293
00:51:13,967 --> 00:51:18,247
And like, ran out of the room.
[audience laughing]

1294
00:51:21,043 --> 00:51:23,287
Stent is a very small word.

1295
00:51:24,460 --> 00:51:27,843
So I assumed this was
a very small apparatus.

1296
00:51:29,293 --> 00:51:32,296
14 inches long.
[audience groaning]

1297
00:51:32,296 --> 00:51:35,126
Yeah, I pulled this thing
to the end of my length.

1298
00:51:35,126 --> 00:51:37,128
I had to go back and
get the rest of it.

1299
00:51:38,302 --> 00:51:40,131
And finally it came out
and I go, "It's out."

1300
00:51:40,131 --> 00:51:41,477
And I hear from the bathroom,

1301
00:51:41,477 --> 00:51:42,858
[imitates beer can
opening] "Thank God!"

1302
00:51:42,858 --> 00:51:45,826
[audience laughing]

1303
00:51:51,867 --> 00:51:53,489
She said, "You want me
to bring the trash can?"

1304
00:51:53,489 --> 00:51:55,146
I said, "No.

1305
00:51:55,146 --> 00:51:57,183
No, I'm gonna hang this
from my rearview mirror."

1306
00:51:57,183 --> 00:52:00,151
[audience laughing]

1307
00:52:01,773 --> 00:52:03,223
And she said, "Why?"

1308
00:52:03,223 --> 00:52:05,812
And I go, "So the next
time I'm having a bad day,

1309
00:52:06,951 --> 00:52:08,263
I can look at that
mirror and go,

1310
00:52:08,263 --> 00:52:09,954
you know what? It
could be worse."

1311
00:52:09,954 --> 00:52:12,405
[audience laughing]

1312
00:52:12,405 --> 00:52:15,580
[audience applauding]

1313
00:52:23,726 --> 00:52:27,316
And then two days
later, I got shingles.

1314
00:52:27,316 --> 00:52:28,662
[audience laughing]

1315
00:52:28,662 --> 00:52:31,424
I'm scared to go to
the doctor anymore.

1316
00:52:31,424 --> 00:52:33,150
I'm afraid the doctor's
gonna look at Gail and go,

1317
00:52:33,150 --> 00:52:37,050
"Ma'am, just sell him for
parts. It's just not worth it."

1318
00:52:39,811 --> 00:52:43,643
And all this stuff, all this
stuff we've talked about,

1319
00:52:43,643 --> 00:52:45,127
the "Dancing with the Stars,"

1320
00:52:45,127 --> 00:52:47,819
my crazy genes in my family
that I'm scared to hell

1321
00:52:47,819 --> 00:52:49,545
is gonna come back and haunt me.

1322
00:52:49,545 --> 00:52:52,583
You know, the menopause that
someone won't acknowledge.

1323
00:52:52,583 --> 00:52:54,619
You know, we're praying
to God my son finishes

1324
00:52:54,619 --> 00:52:56,345
his 10-year plan this semester.

1325
00:52:56,345 --> 00:52:59,969
It's just like, my God,
son, just sit in class.

1326
00:52:59,969 --> 00:53:02,109
Something will sink
in, I swear to you.

1327
00:53:03,180 --> 00:53:04,836
And then trying to get TV shows

1328
00:53:04,836 --> 00:53:07,425
and trying to get this
show ready to film.

1329
00:53:07,425 --> 00:53:09,082
I've got so much stress
in my life right now,

1330
00:53:09,082 --> 00:53:10,290
I don't even sleep at night.

1331
00:53:10,290 --> 00:53:12,154
I'm up till 4:30,
5:00 every morning,

1332
00:53:12,154 --> 00:53:14,743
'cause my little pea-sized
brain won't shut down.

1333
00:53:14,743 --> 00:53:15,985
And, yes, I know.

1334
00:53:15,985 --> 00:53:18,264
I finally went to my
doctor and I said,

1335
00:53:18,264 --> 00:53:20,058
"Doc, you got to write
me a prescription

1336
00:53:20,058 --> 00:53:20,921
to help me sleep at night."

1337
00:53:20,921 --> 00:53:22,337
And he goes, "Oh, Bill,

1338
00:53:23,476 --> 00:53:24,718
I don't like writing
prescriptions for pills.

1339
00:53:24,718 --> 00:53:25,892
They got bad side effects."

1340
00:53:25,892 --> 00:53:28,066
I go, "Dude, I'm dying here."

1341
00:53:28,066 --> 00:53:29,827
He said, "Bill, I never thought

1342
00:53:29,827 --> 00:53:31,863
I'd say this in my
medical career."

1343
00:53:31,863 --> 00:53:35,039
He said, "Have you ever
tried medical marijuana?"

1344
00:53:35,039 --> 00:53:39,077
[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

1345
00:53:39,077 --> 00:53:43,703
I said, "Doc, I've never even
tried un-medical marijuana."

1346
00:53:43,703 --> 00:53:45,222
[audience laughing]

1347
00:53:45,222 --> 00:53:47,638
I said, "I'm not going to
jail 'cause I can't sleep."

1348
00:53:47,638 --> 00:53:49,950
He goes, "No, no, no. You're
not gonna go to jail."

1349
00:53:49,950 --> 00:53:51,089
He said, "Here in California,

1350
00:53:51,089 --> 00:53:52,332
for medical reasons it's legal."

1351
00:53:52,332 --> 00:53:54,058
He said, "I'm gonna
write you this card,

1352
00:53:54,058 --> 00:53:56,094
and I want you to take it to
the dispensary down the road."

1353
00:53:56,094 --> 00:53:57,682
And I said, "What's
a dispensary?"

1354
00:53:57,682 --> 00:53:59,615
He goes, "It's
like a drugstore."

1355
00:53:59,615 --> 00:54:01,445
So I'm thinking, all right,
it's like a Walgreens

1356
00:54:01,445 --> 00:54:03,378
or a CVS, you know?

1357
00:54:03,378 --> 00:54:05,103
People in lab coats
with name tags.

1358
00:54:05,103 --> 00:54:07,934
No, it's a pot store.
[audience laughing]

1359
00:54:07,934 --> 00:54:10,247
I walk in this store, and
there's five white guys

1360
00:54:10,247 --> 00:54:12,421
with dreadlocks
that want to hug me.

1361
00:54:12,421 --> 00:54:13,733
All right?

1362
00:54:13,733 --> 00:54:15,355
Have you ever walked into a bar,

1363
00:54:15,355 --> 00:54:17,184
and the second you walk through
the door your brain went,

1364
00:54:17,184 --> 00:54:20,602
"Ooh, wrong bar."
[audience laughing]

1365
00:54:20,602 --> 00:54:22,466
That's what this was.

1366
00:54:22,466 --> 00:54:25,089
I walk in, I looked around
and went, oh, hell, no.

1367
00:54:25,089 --> 00:54:26,539
And I turned to leave.

1368
00:54:26,539 --> 00:54:27,816
And as I turned to leave,

1369
00:54:27,816 --> 00:54:29,680
I hear this voice
from behind me go,

1370
00:54:29,680 --> 00:54:34,581
"Well, hello, my friend."
[audience laughing]

1371
00:54:34,581 --> 00:54:37,135
And I turn around,
and there's this kid.

1372
00:54:37,135 --> 00:54:40,484
And he goes, "My name is Peace."

1373
00:54:46,144 --> 00:54:50,839
I said, "Well, Peace, I think
I'm in the wrong place."

1374
00:54:50,839 --> 00:54:52,806
And he goes, "Well,
what brought you here?"

1375
00:54:52,806 --> 00:54:54,463
And I go, "Well, my doctor-"

1376
00:54:54,463 --> 00:54:59,054
He goes, "Oh, so now you're
smarter than your doctor."

1377
00:54:59,054 --> 00:55:01,988
[audience laughing]

1378
00:55:03,334 --> 00:55:04,784
"What?"

1379
00:55:04,784 --> 00:55:06,717
He goes, "Well, your
doctor sent you here,

1380
00:55:06,717 --> 00:55:10,307
but apparently on the
way over you found a cure

1381
00:55:10,307 --> 00:55:11,687
for whatever it was.

1382
00:55:11,687 --> 00:55:15,622
So AKA,
[audience laughing]

1383
00:55:17,279 --> 00:55:19,730
you're smarter
than your doctor."

1384
00:55:19,730 --> 00:55:21,421
And I remember
thinking to myself,

1385
00:55:21,421 --> 00:55:24,286
I'm being run circles
around by a pothead.

1386
00:55:26,392 --> 00:55:29,118
I should be quicker than this.

1387
00:55:29,118 --> 00:55:30,913
And I go, "Well, he
gave me this card."

1388
00:55:30,913 --> 00:55:31,776
And he goes, "Oh,

1389
00:55:33,295 --> 00:55:34,952
the key to the kingdom."

1390
00:55:34,952 --> 00:55:37,955
[audience laughing]

1391
00:55:39,543 --> 00:55:41,717
He goes, "Let me see your card."

1392
00:55:41,717 --> 00:55:43,270
So I hand him my
card and he goes,

1393
00:55:43,270 --> 00:55:47,413
"Oh, having little problems
going nighty-night, are we?"

1394
00:55:47,413 --> 00:55:50,105
[audience laughing]

1395
00:55:50,105 --> 00:55:53,350
What am I, seven?
"Yeah, I guess."

1396
00:55:53,350 --> 00:55:55,386
He goes, "Well, turn
around, my friend,

1397
00:55:55,386 --> 00:55:57,733
and welcome to Shangri-la."

1398
00:55:59,114 --> 00:56:02,497
And I turn around, and
there is a full-on wall

1399
00:56:02,497 --> 00:56:04,257
of jars of marijuana.

1400
00:56:04,257 --> 00:56:05,776
And they all had names.

1401
00:56:05,776 --> 00:56:07,812
But they weren't medical names.

1402
00:56:07,812 --> 00:56:09,918
They were names like Bubba Kush,

1403
00:56:09,918 --> 00:56:11,885
apey grapey, Cindy cinnamon.

1404
00:56:11,885 --> 00:56:13,646
I'm in the Ben andamp; Jerry's of pot.

1405
00:56:13,646 --> 00:56:16,303
[audience laughing]

1406
00:56:16,303 --> 00:56:18,202
And he pulls this
jar off the wall.

1407
00:56:18,202 --> 00:56:20,825
And all I saw was
the name comatose.

1408
00:56:22,965 --> 00:56:25,105
And he takes them out
and puts it in a scale,

1409
00:56:25,105 --> 00:56:27,314
weighs it, and puts it in
a bag and staples it shut.

1410
00:56:27,314 --> 00:56:29,696
And then he goes, "Now
you go home and enjoy."

1411
00:56:31,215 --> 00:56:34,356
I had parked my car 50
feet from this pot store.

1412
00:56:34,356 --> 00:56:36,151
This was me walking
back to my car

1413
00:56:36,151 --> 00:56:37,670
with this bag of marijuana.

1414
00:56:38,947 --> 00:56:41,950
[audience laughing]

1415
00:56:47,404 --> 00:56:49,233
Yeah, well, I know
the cops are right

1416
00:56:49,233 --> 00:56:50,717
around the corner going,

1417
00:56:50,717 --> 00:56:52,443
"He's got the bag; take
the shot, take the shot!"

1418
00:56:55,204 --> 00:56:57,379
I get to my car.
I open the trunk.

1419
00:56:57,379 --> 00:57:00,934
I take the spare tire out. I
put the pot in the wheel well.

1420
00:57:00,934 --> 00:57:02,867
I put the spare
tire on top of that.

1421
00:57:02,867 --> 00:57:06,319
A dead body, some
lime and a tarp.

1422
00:57:06,319 --> 00:57:08,977
I'm driving 15 miles an
hour in a six-lane freeway

1423
00:57:08,977 --> 00:57:11,186
with my blinker on nine
miles before my exit,

1424
00:57:11,186 --> 00:57:13,360
'cause I don't want to
raise any red flags.

1425
00:57:17,019 --> 00:57:19,781
And the whole time I'm
thinking, "What have you done?

1426
00:57:19,781 --> 00:57:21,023
You don't smoke pot.

1427
00:57:21,023 --> 00:57:22,439
You don't even know
how to smoke pot."

1428
00:57:22,439 --> 00:57:23,578
And then the other side of
brain goes, "Everybody, shut up.

1429
00:57:23,578 --> 00:57:24,717
Just shut up, shut up, shut up!"

1430
00:57:25,925 --> 00:57:27,305
Now, a roommate in
college smoked pot,

1431
00:57:27,305 --> 00:57:29,238
and he always had these
papers called Zig-Zags.

1432
00:57:29,238 --> 00:57:30,619
And he bought them at
a convenience store.

1433
00:57:30,619 --> 00:57:31,862
And I remember thinking,
I don't remember having

1434
00:57:31,862 --> 00:57:33,346
this many voices in my head.

1435
00:57:35,521 --> 00:57:37,454
So I pull into this 7-Eleven.

1436
00:57:39,939 --> 00:57:41,492
Y'all, I'm 58.

1437
00:57:42,907 --> 00:57:45,013
You would have thought
I was a 12-year-old boy

1438
00:57:45,013 --> 00:57:48,223
trying to buy his very
first "Hustler" magazine.

1439
00:57:48,223 --> 00:57:50,052
I walk in the store. The
clerk goes, "What's up?"

1440
00:57:50,052 --> 00:57:51,675
I go, "What's up with
you, my brother?"

1441
00:57:51,675 --> 00:57:54,678
[audience laughing]

1442
00:58:01,547 --> 00:58:02,375
He goes...

1443
00:58:03,410 --> 00:58:05,758
I don't know what came over me.

1444
00:58:05,758 --> 00:58:06,966
He goes, "What do you want?"

1445
00:58:06,966 --> 00:58:09,658
I go, "I'll tell you
what I want, my friend.

1446
00:58:09,658 --> 00:58:11,971
I want a Slurpee, Slim
Jims and Zig-Zags."

1447
00:58:13,386 --> 00:58:15,802
And he goes, "Dude, it's
not illegal to buy papers."

1448
00:58:15,802 --> 00:58:17,286
And I said, "Was it that bad?"

1449
00:58:17,286 --> 00:58:20,911
And he went, "Jesus!"
[audience laughing]

1450
00:58:22,740 --> 00:58:24,846
So I get my papers.
I drive home.

1451
00:58:24,846 --> 00:58:26,054
I run down to the basement,

1452
00:58:26,054 --> 00:58:27,918
'cause I can't tell
Gail about this.

1453
00:58:27,918 --> 00:58:29,575
She's way anti-pot.

1454
00:58:29,575 --> 00:58:30,990
She won't even let
me go backstage

1455
00:58:30,990 --> 00:58:34,511
at a Willie Nelson concert.
[audience laughing]

1456
00:58:34,511 --> 00:58:35,995
Well, she goes to
bed that night.

1457
00:58:35,995 --> 00:58:38,307
I'm down in the basement. I
got the pot, I got the papers.

1458
00:58:38,307 --> 00:58:39,136
I'm like...

1459
00:58:40,896 --> 00:58:41,725
Now what?

1460
00:58:43,209 --> 00:58:44,659
'Cause I don't smoke, I've
never rolled a cigarette.

1461
00:58:44,659 --> 00:58:46,971
So I'm rolling what
I think is a joint,

1462
00:58:46,971 --> 00:58:50,009
and it ends up looking
like a chewed-up toothpick.

1463
00:58:50,009 --> 00:58:53,184
And I go, I can't smoke that.

1464
00:58:53,184 --> 00:58:54,323
And all of a sudden I
went, oh, wait a minute.

1465
00:58:54,323 --> 00:58:55,704
I got my granddaddy's pipes.

1466
00:58:55,704 --> 00:58:57,119
My granddaddy was a pipe,

1467
00:58:57,119 --> 00:58:58,811
you remember your grandpa's
tray of five pipes?

1468
00:58:58,811 --> 00:58:59,984
So I rummage
through this closet.

1469
00:58:59,984 --> 00:59:01,227
I find one of
granddaddy's pipes.

1470
00:59:01,227 --> 00:59:02,677
I put the pot in it.

1471
00:59:02,677 --> 00:59:04,471
Then I stood up, and I'm
looking right in the mirror.

1472
00:59:04,471 --> 00:59:07,751
And I went, "Oh, my God.
[audience laughing]

1473
00:59:07,751 --> 00:59:11,340
I look like Ward Cleaver
trying to get high right now."

1474
00:59:11,340 --> 00:59:14,723
[audience laughing]

1475
00:59:14,723 --> 00:59:17,830
This would have been
a great episode.

1476
00:59:19,107 --> 00:59:20,591
Ward puffing on that pipe.

1477
00:59:21,488 --> 00:59:24,940
[lips smacking]

1478
00:59:24,940 --> 00:59:27,943
[audience laughing]

1479
00:59:30,428 --> 00:59:33,086
[Bill laughing]

1480
00:59:34,191 --> 00:59:38,057
Hey, June.
[audience laughing]

1481
00:59:38,057 --> 00:59:43,062
We named our kid Beaver!
[audience laughing]

1482
00:59:48,895 --> 00:59:50,552
Okay, back to the basement.

1483
00:59:52,140 --> 00:59:54,142
I lit this pot. I took one puff.

1484
00:59:54,142 --> 00:59:55,661
Oh, my God, I coughed so hard,

1485
00:59:55,661 --> 00:59:58,215
I thought my liver was
gonna jump out of my mouth.

1486
00:59:58,215 --> 01:00:00,286
I woke Gail up two flights up.

1487
01:00:00,286 --> 01:00:02,012
I'm in the basement
going [coughs].

1488
01:00:08,708 --> 01:00:11,711
[audience laughing]

1489
01:00:15,542 --> 01:00:17,027
And Gail goes, "Bill!"

1490
01:00:18,994 --> 01:00:21,997
[audience laughing]

1491
01:00:26,036 --> 01:00:27,037
"Where are you?"

1492
01:00:27,037 --> 01:00:30,005
[audience laughing]

1493
01:00:30,005 --> 01:00:31,213
She goes, "Bill!"

1494
01:00:31,213 --> 01:00:33,043
I'm like, "Damn it, how
are you doing that?"

1495
01:00:33,043 --> 01:00:35,148
[audience laughing]

1496
01:00:35,148 --> 01:00:35,977
And she goes, "Are
you all right?"

1497
01:00:35,977 --> 01:00:37,012
And I'm like...

1498
01:00:38,255 --> 01:00:41,292
[audience laughing]

1499
01:00:41,292 --> 01:00:43,156
"Where's my Pink Floyd albums?

1500
01:00:43,156 --> 01:00:45,745
[audience laughing]

1501
01:00:45,745 --> 01:00:48,023
I need to hear "Hey
You" right now."

1502
01:00:49,784 --> 01:00:52,269
And they don't tell you the
weird stuff you think about

1503
01:00:52,269 --> 01:00:53,615
when you're high.

1504
01:00:53,615 --> 01:00:55,721
When you get high
for the first time,

1505
01:00:55,721 --> 01:00:57,861
there should be somebody
there to help you.

1506
01:00:58,793 --> 01:00:59,621
Like a shaman.

1507
01:01:00,484 --> 01:01:01,623
You know, some Indian spirit.

1508
01:01:01,623 --> 01:01:03,073
And he goes, "Hey, man, relax.

1509
01:01:03,073 --> 01:01:04,384
This is all real."

1510
01:01:05,662 --> 01:01:08,734
I'm baked out of my
gourd in our basement,

1511
01:01:08,734 --> 01:01:10,321
and this thought
pops in my head.

1512
01:01:10,321 --> 01:01:12,151
whoa, you're high,

1513
01:01:14,015 --> 01:01:15,810
yet you're low.

1514
01:01:15,810 --> 01:01:18,122
[audience laughing]

1515
01:01:18,122 --> 01:01:20,884
Well, I cannot deal
with that right now.

1516
01:01:20,884 --> 01:01:22,540
And the paranoia? Oh, my God.

1517
01:01:22,540 --> 01:01:24,957
I just flushed the
pot down the toilet.

1518
01:01:24,957 --> 01:01:26,683
Yeah, I couldn't deal with it.

1519
01:01:26,683 --> 01:01:27,718
And I called my
doctor and I said,

1520
01:01:27,718 --> 01:01:29,478
"What the hell was that?"

1521
01:01:29,478 --> 01:01:30,687
He goes, "What?"

1522
01:01:30,687 --> 01:01:31,929
And I go, "Dude,
I coughed so hard

1523
01:01:31,929 --> 01:01:33,137
I thought you would have
to replace my liver."

1524
01:01:33,137 --> 01:01:34,725
And he goes, "Oh, Bill,
you don't smoke it.

1525
01:01:34,725 --> 01:01:36,002
You eat it."

1526
01:01:36,002 --> 01:01:39,730
And I said, "What?"
[audience laughing]

1527
01:01:39,730 --> 01:01:41,318
He goes, "They have
these brownies."

1528
01:01:41,318 --> 01:01:42,733
I said, "Yeah, I saw those."

1529
01:01:42,733 --> 01:01:45,080
He goes, "Well, the
pot's in the brownies."

1530
01:01:45,080 --> 01:01:47,013
He goes, "Go back and get a
week's worth of brownies."

1531
01:01:47,013 --> 01:01:49,671
So I go back to the pot
store. There's Peace.

1532
01:01:49,671 --> 01:01:52,881
"What up?
[audience laughing]

1533
01:01:52,881 --> 01:01:54,814
So, how'd it go?"

1534
01:01:55,712 --> 01:01:57,299
And I go, "Well, to be honest,

1535
01:01:57,299 --> 01:01:58,853
I coughed till I thought they
were gonna replace my liver."

1536
01:01:58,853 --> 01:02:01,718
And he goes, "Well, you
know the old saying."

1537
01:02:02,995 --> 01:02:05,100
[audience laughing]

1538
01:02:05,100 --> 01:02:06,343
"What?"

1539
01:02:06,343 --> 01:02:08,483
He goes, "You got to
cough to get off."

1540
01:02:11,244 --> 01:02:12,970
Well, that doesn't
even make sense.

1541
01:02:14,178 --> 01:02:15,593
And he goes, "What are
you doing back here?"

1542
01:02:15,593 --> 01:02:17,285
And I go, "Well, I'm supposed
to get some brownies."

1543
01:02:17,285 --> 01:02:19,736
And he goes, "Oh!

1544
01:02:19,736 --> 01:02:21,668
Most excellent choice."

1545
01:02:21,668 --> 01:02:23,325
[audience laughing]

1546
01:02:23,325 --> 01:02:24,844
So he goes and gets
me my brownies.

1547
01:02:24,844 --> 01:02:29,331
Well, y'all, these brownies
are the size of postcards.

1548
01:02:29,331 --> 01:02:31,092
And there's no dosage on them.

1549
01:02:31,092 --> 01:02:34,060
They don't say, hey, all
you need is a corner.

1550
01:02:34,060 --> 01:02:37,063
[audience laughing]

1551
01:02:44,864 --> 01:02:47,453
I go home, go down
to the basement,

1552
01:02:47,453 --> 01:02:48,868
I ate the whole brownie.

1553
01:02:48,868 --> 01:02:51,595
[audience laughing]

1554
01:02:51,595 --> 01:02:53,631
And I was fine for 20 minutes.

1555
01:02:54,909 --> 01:02:56,634
And then I didn't have a body.

1556
01:02:56,634 --> 01:02:59,603
[audience laughing]

1557
01:03:00,535 --> 01:03:02,054
And I pretty much freaked out.

1558
01:03:03,331 --> 01:03:05,367
I'm in my basement
going, "Oh, my God!

1559
01:03:05,367 --> 01:03:07,991
I'm just a head on the
floor in my basement!

1560
01:03:09,509 --> 01:03:10,752
How am I gonna get out of here?

1561
01:03:10,752 --> 01:03:12,374
A head can't roll upstairs.

1562
01:03:13,790 --> 01:03:15,446
Oh, God, and Gail's gonna
have to push me around

1563
01:03:15,446 --> 01:03:16,723
in a baby stroller

1564
01:03:17,897 --> 01:03:21,107
and go, 'Hi, this is my
husband, Bill, the Head.

1565
01:03:21,107 --> 01:03:23,247
Well, yeah, he
doesn't have a body,

1566
01:03:23,247 --> 01:03:25,974
'cause he experimented with
marijuana, didn't you?'"

1567
01:03:27,458 --> 01:03:29,633
And I am freaking out. And
I go, I got to calm down.

1568
01:03:29,633 --> 01:03:31,635
I got to watch some
TV. I turn on my TV.

1569
01:03:31,635 --> 01:03:34,500
You don't think there's
karma gods out there?

1570
01:03:34,500 --> 01:03:35,742
What comes on?

1571
01:03:35,742 --> 01:03:38,262
"Cops."
[audience laughing]

1572
01:03:38,262 --> 01:03:39,194
Yeah. Yeah.

1573
01:03:39,194 --> 01:03:40,644
And there's a police helicopter.

1574
01:03:40,644 --> 01:03:41,921
It's right above my
house. I can hear it.

1575
01:03:41,921 --> 01:03:43,992
I'm going, "Oh, my
God! Oh, my God!

1576
01:03:43,992 --> 01:03:45,822
I'm going to jail
and I'm just a head.

1577
01:03:45,822 --> 01:03:47,616
Who knows what kind of
sick, disgusting things

1578
01:03:47,616 --> 01:03:49,101
they'll do to a head in jail?"

1579
01:03:50,723 --> 01:03:52,621
Then I realized, it's
not a police helicopter.

1580
01:03:52,621 --> 01:03:54,761
It's our ceiling fan clicking
around in our basement.

1581
01:03:54,761 --> 01:03:58,179
[audience laughing]

1582
01:03:58,179 --> 01:04:01,147
And then the phone
rang, and it was my mom.

1583
01:04:01,147 --> 01:04:03,563
[audience groaning]

1584
01:04:03,563 --> 01:04:08,016
Oh, I don't care if
you're 58 or you're 15.

1585
01:04:08,016 --> 01:04:09,984
When you're high,

1586
01:04:09,984 --> 01:04:13,539
the last voice you need
to hear is your mother.

1587
01:04:14,712 --> 01:04:16,300
How I answered the
phone, I don't know.

1588
01:04:16,300 --> 01:04:17,750
I'm just a head.

1589
01:04:19,165 --> 01:04:20,442
And I said, "Hello?"

1590
01:04:20,442 --> 01:04:21,650
And she goes, "Hi,
honey. It's Mom."

1591
01:04:21,650 --> 01:04:22,789
I went, "Oh, God.

1592
01:04:23,894 --> 01:04:25,102
Hi, Mom."

1593
01:04:25,102 --> 01:04:26,345
And she goes, "What
are you doing?"

1594
01:04:26,345 --> 01:04:28,692
I went, "Nothing.
[audience laughing]

1595
01:04:28,692 --> 01:04:30,418
Sure not doing marijuana."

1596
01:04:33,421 --> 01:04:34,456
I go, "What do you want, Mom?

1597
01:04:34,456 --> 01:04:36,148
This really isn't a good time."

1598
01:04:36,148 --> 01:04:37,908
She goes, "Well, honey, I'm
calling you from the hospital."

1599
01:04:37,908 --> 01:04:39,358
And I said, "What?"

1600
01:04:39,358 --> 01:04:41,394
She goes, "Your father
was having chest pains."

1601
01:04:41,394 --> 01:04:42,879
I said, "Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

1602
01:04:42,879 --> 01:04:44,466
Is Dad having a heart attack?"

1603
01:04:44,466 --> 01:04:46,883
She goes, "No,
honey, relax. Jeez.

1604
01:04:46,883 --> 01:04:49,678
The doctor just says
he has acute angina."

1605
01:04:49,678 --> 01:04:52,681
[audience laughing]

1606
01:05:03,037 --> 01:05:04,417
"He has a what?"

1607
01:05:06,833 --> 01:05:08,318
"He has acute angina."

1608
01:05:08,318 --> 01:05:10,285
I go, "Stop saying that, Mom!"

1609
01:05:11,286 --> 01:05:12,529
She goes, "Saying what?"

1610
01:05:12,529 --> 01:05:14,876
I go, "That my dad
has a cute vagina!"

1611
01:05:14,876 --> 01:05:17,879
[audience laughing]

1612
01:05:20,744 --> 01:05:22,884
She goes, "I think I
have the wrong number."

1613
01:05:22,884 --> 01:05:25,680
I go, "I think you do!"
[audience laughing]

1614
01:05:25,680 --> 01:05:27,613
Well, now I'm
completely freaked out.

1615
01:05:27,613 --> 01:05:29,373
I'm like, oh, my God!

1616
01:05:30,340 --> 01:05:31,168
My father

1617
01:05:33,032 --> 01:05:33,999
has a vagina.

1618
01:05:33,999 --> 01:05:36,622
[audience laughing]

1619
01:05:36,622 --> 01:05:38,555
Well, that explains
the small urethra.

1620
01:05:38,555 --> 01:05:43,560
There you go.
[audience laughing]

1621
01:05:50,567 --> 01:05:51,809
I mean, my God!

1622
01:05:52,949 --> 01:05:56,193
How did I even get here?
[audience laughing]

1623
01:05:56,193 --> 01:05:58,230
Oh, my God. My
mother has a wiener.

1624
01:05:58,230 --> 01:06:00,680
My mother has a wiener!
[audience laughing]

1625
01:06:00,680 --> 01:06:02,199
We're gonna be on
"Maury Povich."

1626
01:06:02,199 --> 01:06:03,649
Oh, my God.

1627
01:06:03,649 --> 01:06:05,685
No wonder we never
went to the beach.

1628
01:06:07,273 --> 01:06:09,896
And I must have been
screaming all this out loud,

1629
01:06:09,896 --> 01:06:12,002
because Gail came
running down the stairs.

1630
01:06:12,002 --> 01:06:13,279
She goes, "What is
wrong with you?"

1631
01:06:13,279 --> 01:06:16,973
I go, "Well, pretty
big bombshell today.

1632
01:06:19,320 --> 01:06:21,322
I just found out my father

1633
01:06:22,737 --> 01:06:25,567
has a vagina."
[audience laughing]

1634
01:06:25,567 --> 01:06:27,293
She goes, "No, he doesn't."

1635
01:06:27,293 --> 01:06:30,227
I said, "Yes, he does! And
apparently it's a cute one!"

1636
01:06:30,227 --> 01:06:33,230
[audience laughing]

1637
01:06:35,853 --> 01:06:36,993
I passed out.

1638
01:06:38,408 --> 01:06:39,996
I woke up with
the worst headache

1639
01:06:39,996 --> 01:06:42,101
I've ever had in my life.

1640
01:06:42,101 --> 01:06:43,861
Not from the marijuana,

1641
01:06:43,861 --> 01:06:47,141
but because I slept on
the floor for 17 hours.

1642
01:06:47,141 --> 01:06:49,488
[audience laughing]

1643
01:06:49,488 --> 01:06:50,489
And when I [laughs],

1644
01:06:51,938 --> 01:06:54,562
when I finally came to, the
first thing I did was go,

1645
01:06:54,562 --> 01:06:56,081
"Oh, thank God it's back."

1646
01:06:56,081 --> 01:06:58,428
[audience laughing]

1647
01:06:58,428 --> 01:07:00,223
And then I called my dad.

1648
01:07:02,811 --> 01:07:04,951
He really didn't understand
the conversation.

1649
01:07:04,951 --> 01:07:08,196
[audience laughing]

1650
01:07:08,196 --> 01:07:09,611
And I'm just in this fog.

1651
01:07:10,543 --> 01:07:12,752
And all I want's
a cup of coffee.

1652
01:07:12,752 --> 01:07:14,858
And I stagger upstairs.

1653
01:07:14,858 --> 01:07:16,618
And I walk in the
kitchen, and I look up

1654
01:07:16,618 --> 01:07:19,690
and there's Gail lying
on the breakfast table,

1655
01:07:19,690 --> 01:07:21,175
drinking milk out of the carton,

1656
01:07:21,175 --> 01:07:22,762
which she never does.

1657
01:07:25,869 --> 01:07:27,077
I go, "What are you doing?"

1658
01:07:27,077 --> 01:07:29,183
She goes, "Where'd you
get these brownies?

1659
01:07:29,183 --> 01:07:34,188
They're delicious!"
[audience applauding]

1660
01:07:41,747 --> 01:07:44,543
I said, "Welcome to Shangri-la."

1661
01:07:44,543 --> 01:07:47,546
[audience laughing]

1662
01:07:49,720 --> 01:07:51,239
You guys are awesome.

1663
01:07:51,239 --> 01:07:52,896
I knew you would be.

1664
01:07:52,896 --> 01:07:54,415
- We love you, Bill!
- Thank you, buddy.

1665
01:07:54,415 --> 01:07:56,141
I love y'all too, man. You guys-

1666
01:07:56,141 --> 01:08:01,077
[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

1667
01:08:04,977 --> 01:08:05,874
I got to tell you,

1668
01:08:07,290 --> 01:08:10,983
when I started this silly
business 35 years ago,

1669
01:08:10,983 --> 01:08:12,467
I never thought it'd be this.

1670
01:08:12,467 --> 01:08:14,607
I mean, I thought I'd do
it for a year, maybe two.

1671
01:08:14,607 --> 01:08:17,369
And y'all have stuck with me
through 35 years of comedy.

1672
01:08:17,369 --> 01:08:19,371
And God bless your
hearts, you keep doing it.

1673
01:08:19,371 --> 01:08:24,376
[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

1674
01:08:27,033 --> 01:08:29,657
And I love people
that love to laugh.

1675
01:08:29,657 --> 01:08:30,485
I love to laugh myself.

1676
01:08:30,485 --> 01:08:31,969
As a matter of fact,

1677
01:08:31,969 --> 01:08:33,178
people come up to me after
the show and they go,

1678
01:08:33,178 --> 01:08:34,179
"Are you laughing
at your own jokes?"

1679
01:08:34,179 --> 01:08:35,421
I'm like, "Please.

1680
01:08:35,421 --> 01:08:37,837
[audience laughing]
I've heard them."

1681
01:08:37,837 --> 01:08:39,839
[audience laughing]

1682
01:08:39,839 --> 01:08:41,910
But what makes me laugh
is if I tell you a joke

1683
01:08:41,910 --> 01:08:44,154
and I see it hits somebody,
they didn't see it coming.

1684
01:08:44,154 --> 01:08:46,777
Or if you trip and fall.

1685
01:08:46,777 --> 01:08:48,296
[audience laughing]

1686
01:08:48,296 --> 01:08:49,677
I'll help you up,
but I'm gonna laugh.

1687
01:08:49,677 --> 01:08:51,127
Just know that.

1688
01:08:51,127 --> 01:08:52,783
And I'll tell you what,
laughter will get you through

1689
01:08:52,783 --> 01:08:54,544
some rough bumps
in the road, man.

1690
01:08:54,544 --> 01:08:56,132
A few years back I went
home to see my dad,

1691
01:08:56,132 --> 01:08:57,340
because his best
friend had passed away

1692
01:08:57,340 --> 01:08:58,686
and it just tore my old man up.

1693
01:08:58,686 --> 01:09:00,550
You know, I'd never
seen Dad like that.

1694
01:09:00,550 --> 01:09:02,517
And as we're walking out
of our house in the suits

1695
01:09:02,517 --> 01:09:04,140
to go to the
funeral, he's crying.

1696
01:09:04,140 --> 01:09:06,211
And I'm trying to
find the right words

1697
01:09:06,211 --> 01:09:08,592
to make him feel better
like I know he'd do for me.

1698
01:09:08,592 --> 01:09:10,249
And just nothing's
working, you know?

1699
01:09:10,249 --> 01:09:12,044
And this is where I
honestly believe this.

1700
01:09:12,044 --> 01:09:13,908
That even in the
darkest of times,

1701
01:09:13,908 --> 01:09:15,151
if you're willing
to look hard enough,

1702
01:09:15,151 --> 01:09:17,153
the good Lord will
give you a smile.

1703
01:09:17,153 --> 01:09:18,568
That's right, about that second,

1704
01:09:18,568 --> 01:09:21,087
my best friend from
high school drives up.

1705
01:09:21,087 --> 01:09:23,159
And he is an idiot.

1706
01:09:23,159 --> 01:09:24,332
I love him to death,

1707
01:09:24,332 --> 01:09:26,334
but he's dumber
than a bag of rocks.

1708
01:09:26,334 --> 01:09:29,889
And he hollers from his
car, "Engvall, you dirtbag!

1709
01:09:29,889 --> 01:09:31,719
[audience laughing]

1710
01:09:31,719 --> 01:09:32,927
You didn't call me
when you hit town,

1711
01:09:32,927 --> 01:09:34,100
did you, Mr. Hollywood?

1712
01:09:35,516 --> 01:09:37,966
Why you all dressed up,
stupid? It ain't Sunday."

1713
01:09:42,178 --> 01:09:45,491
I said, "Jimmy, we're going
to Mr. Howard's funeral."

1714
01:09:45,491 --> 01:09:46,630
And he goes, "Oh, hell.

1715
01:09:47,528 --> 01:09:48,494
Did he die?"

1716
01:09:48,494 --> 01:09:51,497
[audience laughing]

1717
01:09:54,259 --> 01:09:56,088
I said, "No, but he
ain't feeling good,

1718
01:09:56,088 --> 01:09:57,469
so we're having a
dress rehearsal."

1719
01:09:57,469 --> 01:09:58,849
[audience laughing]

1720
01:09:58,849 --> 01:10:00,575
Here's your sign.

1721
01:10:00,575 --> 01:10:05,580
[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

1722
01:10:11,931 --> 01:10:13,036
I'll tell you what.

1723
01:10:13,036 --> 01:10:14,279
Y'all have been great.

1724
01:10:14,279 --> 01:10:15,487
I'm gonna give you a
few of my favorites

1725
01:10:15,487 --> 01:10:17,213
over the past 35
years of doing this.

1726
01:10:17,213 --> 01:10:21,044
[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

1727
01:10:21,044 --> 01:10:22,942
And, unfortunately,
my lovely bride

1728
01:10:22,942 --> 01:10:24,772
holds position one and two.

1729
01:10:24,772 --> 01:10:26,498
[audience laughing]

1730
01:10:26,498 --> 01:10:27,982
And she's not stupid, good God.

1731
01:10:27,982 --> 01:10:29,777
She's the smartest person
I ever met in my life.

1732
01:10:29,777 --> 01:10:33,159
But some of the stuff that
comes out of that woman's mouth.

1733
01:10:33,159 --> 01:10:34,437
We decided we was
gonna get TiVo.

1734
01:10:34,437 --> 01:10:35,921
So I went over to Best
Buy to pick it up.

1735
01:10:35,921 --> 01:10:40,166
It said on the box, installs
in 30 minutes or less. [scoffs]

1736
01:10:40,166 --> 01:10:41,685
Apparently they never met me.

1737
01:10:43,239 --> 01:10:44,964
Eight hours later, I
got this thing going.

1738
01:10:44,964 --> 01:10:46,207
And I don't know how they do it,

1739
01:10:46,207 --> 01:10:47,726
but it is amazing.

1740
01:10:47,726 --> 01:10:50,246
Gail came down to the basement.
"Honey, this is crazy."

1741
01:10:50,246 --> 01:10:51,316
I go, "Watch this.

1742
01:10:51,316 --> 01:10:52,972
I can pause live sports."

1743
01:10:52,972 --> 01:10:54,940
And she goes, "And
they'll just wait?"

1744
01:10:54,940 --> 01:10:59,910
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

1745
01:11:09,334 --> 01:11:11,681
Mm-hmm.
[audience laughing]

1746
01:11:11,681 --> 01:11:14,373
"But if I leave it on too long,
the commissioner calls me."

1747
01:11:14,373 --> 01:11:16,306
[audience laughing]

1748
01:11:16,306 --> 01:11:17,307
Here's your sign.

1749
01:11:21,035 --> 01:11:23,382
I was doing a show like
this one time for a company,

1750
01:11:23,382 --> 01:11:25,281
and they wanted it to be a
surprise for the employees

1751
01:11:25,281 --> 01:11:26,730
that I was the entertainment.

1752
01:11:26,730 --> 01:11:28,180
So they flew me in
the night before

1753
01:11:28,180 --> 01:11:30,286
at this resort on their
little puddle jumper airplane,

1754
01:11:30,286 --> 01:11:31,390
which I was not thrilled about.

1755
01:11:31,390 --> 01:11:32,943
And we flew in at night.

1756
01:11:32,943 --> 01:11:34,324
And when we land on
the runway at night,

1757
01:11:34,324 --> 01:11:36,395
we hit a deer with our airplane.

1758
01:11:36,395 --> 01:11:38,639
[audience laughing]
Oh, it whacked this deer.

1759
01:11:38,639 --> 01:11:39,571
It broke the propeller.

1760
01:11:39,571 --> 01:11:40,813
We skidded off the runway.

1761
01:11:40,813 --> 01:11:42,263
And I laugh now
'cause I'm alive,

1762
01:11:42,263 --> 01:11:44,748
but I called Gail and I said,

1763
01:11:44,748 --> 01:11:46,543
"Sweetie, you're not
gonna believe this one."

1764
01:11:46,543 --> 01:11:48,890
I go, "We just hit a
deer with our airplane."

1765
01:11:48,890 --> 01:11:50,444
And she goes, "Oh, no."

1766
01:11:51,859 --> 01:11:55,311
And then there was a pause.
[audience laughing]

1767
01:11:55,311 --> 01:11:57,899
And I could hear those
little gears just grinding.

1768
01:11:57,899 --> 01:12:00,833
And then she goes, "Wait,
were you on the ground?"

1769
01:12:00,833 --> 01:12:05,838
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

1770
01:12:08,945 --> 01:12:11,706
I said, "Nope, Santa was
making one last run."

1771
01:12:11,706 --> 01:12:13,329
[audience laughing]

1772
01:12:13,329 --> 01:12:15,676
Here's your sign.

1773
01:12:15,676 --> 01:12:18,989
[audience applauding]

1774
01:12:18,989 --> 01:12:21,302
All right, all
right, I'll fess up.

1775
01:12:21,302 --> 01:12:22,821
I always make fun
of other people.

1776
01:12:22,821 --> 01:12:24,788
But I'll tell you one
that happened to me.

1777
01:12:24,788 --> 01:12:27,273
A couple of years back I
had to get a vasectomy.

1778
01:12:27,273 --> 01:12:29,414
And I'm sitting in the doctor...

1779
01:12:32,209 --> 01:12:34,315
You know what just hit me?

1780
01:12:34,315 --> 01:12:35,834
In the last two years,

1781
01:12:35,834 --> 01:12:37,801
I've had more people touch
my junk than Fred Sanford.

1782
01:12:37,801 --> 01:12:40,804
[audience laughing]

1783
01:12:41,909 --> 01:12:42,737
That ain't right.

1784
01:12:44,290 --> 01:12:45,809
Well, I'm sitting in this chair.

1785
01:12:45,809 --> 01:12:47,673
I got my shirt on, but I'm
naked from the waist down.

1786
01:12:47,673 --> 01:12:49,192
My feet are up on
these stirrups.

1787
01:12:49,192 --> 01:12:51,539
Ladies, I don't know how
you do it, I swear to God.

1788
01:12:52,782 --> 01:12:55,785
And the doctor's down
there just kind of...

1789
01:12:55,785 --> 01:12:58,753
[audience laughing]

1790
01:12:59,616 --> 01:13:01,031
Tugging on my sac.

1791
01:13:01,031 --> 01:13:03,033
[audience laughing]

1792
01:13:03,033 --> 01:13:03,896
Awkward.

1793
01:13:06,485 --> 01:13:08,314
[audience laughing]

1794
01:13:08,314 --> 01:13:10,386
Well, I didn't know
what else to do.

1795
01:13:10,386 --> 01:13:12,077
So I just started whistling.

1796
01:13:12,077 --> 01:13:14,217
[audience laughing]

1797
01:13:14,217 --> 01:13:16,426
It seemed right at the time!

1798
01:13:17,738 --> 01:13:19,843
He's tugging away and
I'm just [whistles].

1799
01:13:26,954 --> 01:13:28,818
All of a sudden this head

1800
01:13:28,818 --> 01:13:30,682
[audience laughing]

1801
01:13:30,682 --> 01:13:35,687
peeks up between my legs.

1802
01:13:36,860 --> 01:13:37,965
I can't believe I'm
telling you this.

1803
01:13:37,965 --> 01:13:40,174
[audience laughing]

1804
01:13:40,174 --> 01:13:42,141
This head peeks
up between my legs

1805
01:13:42,141 --> 01:13:44,350
and he goes, "You trying
to distract yourself?"

1806
01:13:44,350 --> 01:13:47,353
[audience laughing]

1807
01:13:49,183 --> 01:13:50,564
I said, "No, I'm
just so comfortable

1808
01:13:50,564 --> 01:13:52,393
I forgot I wasn't alone."

1809
01:13:52,393 --> 01:13:53,843
[audience laughing]

1810
01:13:53,843 --> 01:13:55,120
Here's your sign.

1811
01:13:55,120 --> 01:13:57,433
God bless you guys.
Thank you very much.

1812
01:13:57,433 --> 01:14:02,368
[audience cheering]
[upbeat music]